I’ve tried so hard to turn things around lately but I just cant seem to. So today, while I paced around and talked with several people I’ve decided that I’m done. I’ve had it. I’m done. It doesn’t matter anymore. You can keep fighting all you want but its pointless in the end. I feel like its time to place goodbyes where they are appropriate.
Is food really bland?
It is during my day off that I got to listen to myself and hear what my mind may be telling me, which has not been the easiest thing for me as of late. I woke with the day only to find that I had nothing on my plate to keep me occupied, not really, not such as when I have work or errands, just an empty day. I countered this by heading into downtown to check my mail, find out what I had missed over the last month yet I was not surprised when I found nothing had changed in the city, no new exciting mail, nothing different. My eyes wandered around looking for a spark of interest but it was my ears that caught it with all the sounds going on, not from the people but just from nature itself. It was so centering of myself that for a moment I was calm, for a moment.
There is still much difficulty for me to find enjoyment out of that which used to be a favorite activity for myself and I can’t tell if things are getting better or staying stagnant since majority of the time I keep myself busy from being idle for too long. Today happened to give me the only exception to that but I just found myself confused, my mind so fuddled from thoughts of all the recent events, desires, needs, past, future, too much for me to want to focus on yet once I let my mind roam free I couldn’t find a way to focus and pull myself from this mess. Even now, writing this is very difficult since there are so many thoughts I have that maintaining a single sentence takes so much effort.
Today showed me that I have difficulty just picking out what food to eat. I’m never hungry anymore so I’ve become the worst at choosing what to eat when asked. What used to be my favorite places to eat have become just another place that serves food, a very sad thought because it’s food; who doesn’t get enjoyment out of eating their favorite food?
Lately my moral compass has been non-existent and I’ve been doing whatever I feel like doing with little worry about the consequences it has on myself or others. I was brought up to be better and know better, to be what most consider a rare breed of person nowadays, selfless and caring for others. I can say that its not that I don’t see what I should do because I do see the correct choices, the right choices, but I’m choosing to ignore that so I can focus on personal gains. With all that’s happened I suppose I’ve been seeking out relief in some form and that is a reason I am being a “terrible” person but I can’t believe that’s the only reason yet it gives me the excuse to fall back onto to be such person.
I’ve gone from excessive spending, to intoxication, to physical brutality, and now manipulation. Oddly, those last two actually went hand in hand just recently but now I have an outlet to be destructive in a manner which I find enjoyable. I can see that if I continue to be so reckless I could become such a toxic person that I begin to affect myself but the fact I see this now is going to allow me to know where and when to stop or establish a boundary not to cross.
When your hero passes the world seems to become a blur
Two weeks ago I was visiting my family, things seemed normal, well as normal as normal gets for us. I got to spend time with my family, my cousins, my Doll so it was totally worth spending all my vacation hours to be back. A week ago, I had an emergency visit back home at the news of the death of my Doll, it was 8:54 in the morning when I got the call. All night my cousin and I had been texting from the moment she came out of surgery and entered ICU and knowing that this was going on after I just left made it difficult to sleep. As tired as I might have been I knew I should be up for my cousin just in case she needs to talk since she had already called me a few times that night; I wished I could be there for her, for everyone. I must have knocked out until my phone rang at 8:54 and in that moment, after seeing my cousins number on my phone, my heart sank. Of course, I knew why she was calling so early. For what other reason would she have to call me so early? I answered to hear what I already knew, my Doll had passed. So one week ago I went back home to bury my aunt, my mother.
Here we are today, another weeks passing, and I can barely function. The afternoons have become my mornings and the nights have become my days. Work is just one of those things I do now because I have to in order to make a living but I have no desire to do anything anymore, if I didn’t before I really don’t now. Inside I feel bad because I know I’m being very antisocial which is unfair to my roommate but I don’t feel like conversation or playing video games or having a music lesson. There’s always an excuse I make to avoid leaving my house, in fact my bed…..I just lay in bed all day long and watch movies; there isn’t anything else I want to do.
I’ve talked with my cousins and we all feel the same way in that we all know exactly what she would tell us and expect from us in a time like this. She was be telling old ridiculous stories that made us laugh because of the stupidity of those involved or be making jokes at our expense but we would still laugh. She would expect us to pick up where we left off and keep moving because that’s what she did and what she inspired; no matter what happens you keep pushing forward until you can’t anymore. That’s how she was and how many of us in the family are but I can’t seem to bring myself to move.
She and I had conversations where she told me how alone she felt in the last few months but I find it difficult to see how that was possible when she was loved by so many people but then again I’ve tried looking at myself like that after being told so many times that people care about me and understand that it’s just how depression works; she had it as I have it.
The shock of my morning
My morning began with a phone call from my cousin telling me that my Doll is in ICU and now on life support. I am confused right now, still in shock I think, not knowing what I’m feeling or what I should feel or what I should do or what I can do. What I do know is that I’m glad I saw her just a few days ago but I hate that there really isn’t anything I can do. The way she is, I know that she’s going to struggle to come back but she will fight to do so but at the moment things are more on the side that she won’t make it back from this.
The dread of seeing your hero falling
I went to see my Doll yesterday and despite the enormous amount of love I have for her I dreaded it for I was unsure how to handle it.
As usual her house was open, by that I mean her doors were unlocked even though she lives in the hood where things are sketchy but that’s just always how she’s been. Immediately, we were greeted by the kids who were joyous to see us. Hugs went all around as we smiled because we were happy to be together again. I walked down the hallway to her room where she lay bedridden, unable to summon the strength to get up for her normal daily routine. Before we went in I knew she couldn’t move so I was afraid to see her, see the strong woman I know left with none and it was hard for me to look her in the eye but I was overjoyed to be with her. Of course, my cousins wanted all my attention so I was torn trying to stretch myself to give it to them all so I made it a point to stay in the room and converse in a manner that included everyone but when you have several age groups in one room it’s difficult.
My cousins finally pried me from my Doll to tell me everything that was going on with them, so much information to process but living so far away I know they would have tons to tell me now that I was here. They’ve all grown up so much, I’m proud of them all for their accomplishment and goals; their futures seem so bright. We spoke of school, archery, anime, life goals, my job, and video games.
I’d finally had enough and told myself to bring my attention back to my Doll, she is the one I wanted to see most. Still unsure of what to say to her or what I should talk about I just sat next to her and smiled but I knew she knew how I was feeling. I’m sure I was a terrible actor yesterday and my face spoke a million words even with my ever growing skill to hide behind a mask, seeing her broke any ability to hide. Even in her state she still spoke with such positivity that she was stronger than life but I fear her spirit is too strong for her body but she has to realize that, I know she has through her moments. Occasionally she tells me how proud she is of me but she does so with the tone that it may be the last time we talk so I know she realizes it and behind what everyone sees she is scared and tired. I want to be strong for her, give her my body, my strength, my youth and health but it’s impossible; I can only be strong for her by showing everyone my strength and fortitude through this.
It got late so we had to say our goodbyes and let her rest but I didn’t want to leave her because the thought, “what if this is the last time I see her” kept popping in my head but today she is still here and I plan to see her again, I will see her again.
Black is white and white is black
My hands are stained red, my breath is short, my eyes are focused, my mind is blurred; everything is mixing together, there is no distinguishing lines from what is acceptable and what is not. For me, it all blends together in one stew of life. The wrong doesn’t seem so wrong anymore but circumstantial based on numerous variables while the right follows in the same manner; what seemed right before no longer seems right, not entirely anyway. It may not have been right to be aggressive but holding it for this long….my pot was bound to overflow eventually. My regret though is that the wrong person was present at that time and not the one who should have been.
When you think you’re doing better but sober up
Everyday I trick myself into believing that life is fine and dandy but it’s a lie. In the morning I drag myself out of bed, literally crawl from under the sheets forcing myself to face the day but all I want to do is remain under the covers in the dark. I will take every minute possible to remain there until it is absolutely necessary to face the world. The moment I get up my mind begins racing as it does with all the possibilities I can fathom for the day ahead and not just with my life but with all the people I know and knew; I wonder what is in store for them. Often times, I imagine everyone doing way better off while I’m here, doing better than I was, yet unsatisfied with life. I get excited from little things like anyone else so I feel normal for a moment but it’s short lived which leaves me feeling empty because I think that if I was only excited for a moment then was I truly excited or was I pretending.
What do I want? This is the question I constantly swirl around in my mind, that amongst other thoughts; I don’t know anymore. Actually, what I want is to not be here anymore, to cease existing, perish, disappear….I don’t want to continue feeling like an emotionless vessel anymore…….I want to feel and so far no amount of pain or drugs can help me do that. Every morning, I take a look at this bottle and wonder, “is today the day I’m going to feel anything?” Knowing things aren’t going to change I open it up anyway so I can start my day in, hopefully, a better place. This better place, I’m not sure if I ever get there but I know when everything is taking effect so the world seems different, not necessarily better just different. At the moment though, I’m completely sober and it is the worst because I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I barely went to say hi to my friend but I did because I was close by, like walking distance close, and I know that I should get out. It was nice to chat for a moment but the whole time I was panicking and anxious to get home to hide in my bed which made me feel bad for feeling that way rather than wanting to stay longer and chat.
Losing time, not fun
Lately I’ve been loosing time from my daily life, well I guess you could say I’ve been blacking out. Such was the case not 10 minutes ago before writing. My morning went like this: woke up and went to get breakfast with the roomy and his girlfriend. We laughed, took pictures, delighted in the magnificent food and came back home. I sat down on the couch for a minute to check my mail on my computer and the next thing I know it’s 2:00 and I’m in different clothes and playing a game. It was 10:45 ish when I sat down so I lost a few hours of mine. My roomy had left but he said that I was asleep when he did yet I have these flash backs to things happening, like I am remembering a bad dream or something. The whole thing bugs me a little because I don’t remember falling asleep and I don’t feel tired one bit and the flash backs are too real to me. On top of just today’s instance I’ve been finding random drawings in my notebooks, one’s I don’t remember doing yet no one else has access to my notebooks. I accept that I have two sides to my coin but part of me worries that both sides are fighting for my consciousness, not a whole lot of worry but just enough to keep me mindful of myself.
Can you trust someone entirely?
Within the last week I was given another lesson in the trust department, basically that even though you can be good friends with someone that doesn’t mean trust them with everything. So Mars recently got back with her ex, which would be fine if the reason was good but I feel that it’s not. From what I was told, the reason is that he lets her stay at his place since they lived together so it makes sense but she doesn’t love him the way he loves her. This upset me because it’s such a stupid reason so I told her that and I needed time to process, which means I need to walk away before calling her an idiot. Now she’s all mad since I haven’t said anything to her since but I’m over it so if we don’t talk its cause she wants to continue being a child about the whole thing.
With the whole trust thing though, I talked to her with no barriers because I instilled a fair amount of trust with her because we connected on an emotional level. I wanted to keep it that way, not pursuing any further relationship type other than friends and I told her this but I suppose she has it in her head that there’s more going on. It was very nice to have that person there with whom I could speak to about anything while not having to worry about what you might say because no matter what you say they would understand or wouldn’t judge.
I’m left with the thought that maybe there isn’t any individual that you should trust entirely but instead split yourself between several. One day, I found out I’ve been doing that subconsciously when I noticed that I would tell one friend about something that was bothering me and another something else but neither knew everything. It’s like a puzzle, to know everything about me, without asking me directly, one needs to ask several individuals and piece together the information but even then there is some information missing. Is it possible to have a connection with another person where you can be yourself entirely? My entire life has lead me to believe that the answer is “no” yet I must have some optimism left if I keep hoping which makes me feel foolish. I’m entirely skeptical about it though and mind everything I say or do around people, even when I drink I’m mindful. Just the other night I was drinking with my friend and his girlfriend but throughout the whole night I can recall that I was very careful of what I said. We had a good night though filled with laughs.
JXMUNOZ 