Can you trust someone entirely?

Within the last week I was given another lesson in the trust department, basically that even though you can be good friends with someone that doesn’t mean trust them with everything. So Mars recently got back with her ex, which would be fine if the reason was good but I feel that it’s not. From what I was told, the reason is that he lets her stay at his place since they lived together so it makes sense but she doesn’t love him the way he loves her. This upset me because it’s such a stupid reason so I told her that and I needed time to process, which means I need to walk away before calling her an idiot. Now she’s all mad since I haven’t said anything to her since but I’m over it so if we don’t talk its cause she wants to continue being a child about the whole thing.

With the whole trust thing though, I talked to her with no barriers because I instilled a fair amount of trust with her because we connected on an emotional level. I wanted to keep it that way, not pursuing any further relationship type other than friends and I told her this but I suppose she has it in her head that there’s more going on. It was very nice to have that person there with whom I could speak to about anything while not having to worry about what you might say because no matter what you say they would understand or wouldn’t judge.

I’m left with the thought that maybe there isn’t any individual that you should trust entirely but instead split yourself between several. One day, I found out I’ve been doing that subconsciously when I noticed that I would tell one friend about something that was bothering me and another something else but neither knew everything. It’s like a puzzle, to know everything about me, without asking me directly, one needs to ask several individuals and piece together the information but even then there is some information missing. Is it possible to have a connection with another person where you can be yourself entirely? My entire life has lead me to believe that the answer is “no” yet I must have some optimism left if I keep hoping which makes me feel foolish. I’m entirely skeptical about it though and mind everything I say or do around people, even when I drink I’m mindful. Just the other night I was drinking with my friend and his girlfriend but throughout the whole night I can recall that I was very careful of what I said. We had a good night though filled with laughs.

Friendship is difficult as we get older

I’ve been neglecting my posts for a myriad of reasons but two more than anything, I’m nervous to post because I’m not sure what thoughts would be appropriate and which wouldn’t which leads me to let other miniscule things get in the way when I clearly have the time to write. Nothing has gotten easier in the past few weeks, in fact, they have gotten more stressful but the difference is I tolerate more now, I don’t sugar coat anything and speak my mind up to the brink of getting myself in trouble. The reason I’m writing though is because I’ve been irritated so much that I need to vent.

A little while ago I made a friend who seemed like a fun person and has odd quirks so it came upon me to pursue a friendship with them. We talked and joked for a while before they asked if I wanted to hangout one evening. I was going to have the night off so I agreed to get out from my shell only to have them bail on me. Normally I would have been annoyed by this but I didn’t know them that well and I was partly relieved because it meant I could stay home not worrying about any social obligations. Well, in the time since we’ve talked and I’ve invited them to hang out only to have them bail again. Just the other day they were explaining how tired they were from going out which was the trigger that made me irritated. After repeated attempts of trying to hang out, being bailed on, and then hearing this…..I felt annoyed at this person.

We may not know each other well or be very close but if we make plans I would expect that we follow through. There’s a bunch of people who are like this and I’ve never had a real friendship with them but I did try to be a friend. I would continue to try to be a friend until I’m left feeling like you don’t want to be and at that point, like now, I will just stop trying to put forth the effort. What boggles me is why people are like this, why they make it seem like they are your buddy yet leave you high and dry so to speak when you express interest in the same. As a kid if you wanted to be friends with someone you simply asked and that was it but its so complicated now days, people are weary to trust others so when there is someone being genuine they have to fight for something simple as friendship.

It’s a nice surprise to meet someone just as crazy as yourself

After a grueling night of no sleep thanks to a certain person I got out of bed at 5 AM to drive to work with the expectation that there will be more people shopping than I felt I could handle in my sleep deprived state. As I did my daily duty, I kept thinking of how much I loathe this person for being so cruel over the last few months and for ruining my life as well as ruining my slumber. I must have had four cups of coffee throughout my entire day, not the small cups either, I had four of the large cups. Once I finished my shift, I shopped with my pal Rem for shoes and other items when he found a jacket that he flipped his lid over so, of course, he bought it but it was pretty cool. We shopped until 8 PM when my other friend, Mars, got off work and then we all decided to go home after some time to wind down.

Mars offered to drive me to my car which gave us time to talk to open up a little more; we’ve known each other for about 2 weeks. They made a few jokes and asked some serious questions which I asked right back but we got to my car and sat there talking. For the next two hours, we spoke about our lives, what was going on, what we were thinking, our past experiences, and our future hopes. Over the last two weeks we’ve gotten a bit close but this time we really pulled back the layers from each other to reveal the deepest parts of ourselves.

I was hesitant to freely speak my mind, reveal the deepest part of myself out of fear that it would frighten Mars away leaving me less one friend. She bared part of herself so I embraced the possible outcomes and warned her that what I was going to say might scare her. I began to reveal the part of myself that I’ve never shown anyone, the part I keep hidden, the me that I fight daily. Of course, I started slowly, showing just a little but as Mars listened I could see that I hadn’t yet scared her off so I revealed a bit more and more and soon I had told her everything. Mars is the only person on this world who knows the part of me I keep hidden and when I finished she just looked at me and, to my shock, told me how what I said was a turn on but that she understood. As it turns out, Mars is a little like me, a little crazy and not in an “I’m losing my mind” kind of way but in a Joker kind of way.

The torment doesn’t stop

I’ve been afraid to post anything these last few days because I’m afraid of my own thoughts, but also afraid of what other people would think about me if I were to tell them to anyone or even post them here. Thinking back to my days spent in the hospital, I recall telling my doctor majority of what they wanted to know but there was still part of me that was reserved in thought, which I’m sure they picked up on. Some people are better than others at reading others and my buddy John is one of those perceptive individuals. We had lunch the other day and he told me that he can see that I seem to have more energy and more joyous than before but he also asked if I was ok. He said that not only could he see me being happy but he could see how tormented I am on the inside. Admittedly, I am not doing any better, I just seem like it to everyone but I believe that’s because of the drugs, they make me different but my mind is still on the rampage. I’ve been taking so many risks for the last month and each time I think of the worst possible outcome and imagine that reality.

The dreams, the panic attacks, the stress, the worry….I don’t know what I’m holding onto anymore. I keep looking for something but I feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark, I keep knocking into things and reaching for something.

This last week I made a friend and we’re supposed to hang out tomorrow yet I have no idea what we’re going to do so it’ll probably be lunch and maybe something after. It’s odd, we saw each other all the time but never spoke so I said “hi” one day. We began talking a little and she said lets do something Thursday and since I am off why not. Then John wants to do something so I think my Thursday will be plenty busy.

To walk this life

So I was hospitalized about a month ago for attempted suicide. Since coming home I jumped straight back into my usual life of work and school, not giving myself anytime to rest. I realize that not giving myself time to recover isn’t smart physically or emotionally because obviously there is a deeper problem which I’m not addressing. Over the last few weeks, thanks to the advice of one of my nurses, I thought hard about what the issue might be and I think I’ve come to the conclusion. I wrote previously that I felt alone and I believe that’s what my problem is.

When I got back home my phone was blown up with missed calls and texts from people asking how I was doing and if I was alright. At first, I felt cared for but now I don’t feel the same way; now I see it like facebook. On there we have so many friends but we don’t speak to all of them yet every year, on our birthday, we receive so many messages from people we don’t talk to and those we do. After this happens we probably won’t speak to them again until the next year. Those that messaged me only did so because they heard that I was in the hospital but in everyday life we never speak. Communication is a two way street and I’m very forward about wanting to talk to someone but not everyone is the same way back. The only ones I received messages from whom I know truly care were from my family and my coworkers.

Since getting out, once everyone found out why I was in the hospital, I have yet to receive any contact asking as to how I’m doing from any of my so called ‘friends’. Even the one ‘friend’ who put me there hasn’t checked up on me. Because of this realization I feel that my friends aren’t truly my friends but then I read a blog from another user: http://karenwriteshere.com/2014/11/30/you-dont-need-empathy-to-support-a-depressed-person/

Thanks to this person I now see that my friends probably just don’t know what to do and are afraid of what I’ve done and don’t understand. I can’t be entirely mad at them but I still feel abandoned by those that I thought I could count on because I felt that no matter what they had my back. As of right now, I feel very much alone, there is no one that I can hope to just be there for me when I need them and not to say anything comforting or to sympathize but to just be there so I don’t feel alone. The worst feeling in this world, for me, is being surrounded by people but still feeling that you are by yourself; it’s how I feel now.

When I was in high school I was always afraid that I would go through life alone and so far it seems that my fear might come true. Who could be there for a broken person like me? It is my job now to be the best at everything once more, not to be noticed this time but to put myself at the top for me, even if it means doing it all by myself.