Today I saw an angel

It is Sunday so I got up early to reflect and get ready for mass at the cathedral but I also wanted to get my things ready because I knew I didn’t want to go back home after. I rarely feel like being home now, it’s more of a place I go at the end of the day to sleep and that’s it. Anyway, I got my things ready in my bag trying not forget anything that I would need for the day.

Well parking was fun; I found a few spots but the curb was so high that I couldn’t open my door, even after repeated attempts of readjusting my parking. Eventually I had to go around the block a few times to find a spot that wasn’t too far so it was a good thing I left early.

Mass was good, it was about giving up yourself to God which really resonated with me since that’s what has been on my mind lately. I have to trust that even though my life feels like everything is falling apart God has a much bigger plan for me, and it probably isn’t what I desire so I’m going to resist His plan but I need to learn to give myself up to Him. I’ve been doing a much better job of that lately but I could always do more. I spoke with God about his angels, that I’m glad they help everyone but I wanted to know more about my angel, the one who watches out for me. I asked to know the name of this angel so I may thank them for being there because there have been many times in my life where I have been helped.

I really focused on what was being said at mass today, taking in everything the father said, reflecting on it, and how it pertains to my life. It was hard to realize that my desires may not be God’s plan. It came time to give peace to others so I put on my smile to do just that, without seeming like I was upset. The couple to my left was older and I saw a wonderful life between them, unlike the gentleman in front of me who was alone but I could see his life has been good to him.

As I turned around to give my peace to whomever was behind me I saw a wondrous girl with fair skin and blonde hair who couldn’t have been more than 5’2 wearing a green dress. At first sight, I thought I was looking at an angel; I was in awe. I reached out my hand for hers, she grabbed mine with a soft touch, and gently said, “peace be with you.” Lately, I have felt sad, angry, upset, and any other emotion you could feel that is synonymous with hurt but in that moment, which couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, I felt that everything was going to be okay.

It was such a powerful moment for me that it nearly brought me to tears and all I wanted to do was thank this wonderful angel, yet I chose not to say anything. Perhaps, if we cross paths again, I will ask for her name but instead of saying thank you and having to explain why, because it could come off as strange, I’ll ask to buy her a coffee or something. I hope we cross paths again.

Everything feels like its going to be okay!

Everything cancelled

OH EM GEE!

Oh  boy today has been trying me all day long. My patience has been fine and I haven’t been sad today but I’ve caught myself being short with everyone which is so bad when you are at work. My day began productive, I put together a birthday gift and made a card, rather than buying one, had my usual breakfast of toast and chai tea latte, cleaned up my room, got to work early to kill some time, called this jeweler, searched for activities, just a good busy. Last thing I did before starting my shift was call the photographer that I hired for my wedding to cancel. The phone call was very simple, short, and they were completely understanding but after…..everything got under my skin.

Now, when I got my ring back, on the 15th, I waited the weekend before calling the venue and the DJ on the 17th to cancel. I was not going to waste any time because once I got my ring back there was no reason to have either of them hold on to the date we picked. So I didn’t have any contact info for the photographer so I had to wait for my ‘friend’ to begin talking to me so I could get the info but today I said no more. I texted my ‘friend’ and asked for the info and called as soon as I got it. Again, I was not going to waste any time.

Perhaps I am still holding onto anger about this whole situation and I didn’t know it because I have been angry since I got my ring back but I felt like I was feeling better as of late, at least until today. All I can say is, “Oh My Gosh!” I can’t believe I’m still angry about all of this. It’s like I need someone to just push one little button and I will go off on them describing everything I see that they are doing wrong and attack them personally. It’s so wrong to do that and I know this so I’ve been very careful about what I say or do yet I still find myself fighting myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone in anyway but if someone pushes the right button I might let go.

Tonight, to calm myself, I won’t go for a walk, like I usually do, but instead meditate on whats been going on in my head to try to find peace of mind.

Offer your suffering?

Offer your suffering to God.

This is what I overheard today before work. I had no idea what was meant by this, how do you offer your suffering to God? I had to mull this over for a while before I could understand what it meant or what it means to me. For me, while you are suffering, no matter what it is, physical, emotional, mental, etc., you should offer yourself to be a tool for God. My ‘friend’ use to say, “I’m just the pen that God used.” 

I am emotionally suffering but I can see that even though I am I can still be useful helping others. And I can help anyone at anytime but I should reach out more to help and not just when it’s convenient. I may have already tried doing that with my buddy John without even realizing it. Something I’ve been thinking about lately is now that I’m no longer engaged and alone here in Sacramento I don’t know what I’m going to do for the up coming holiday season. I just found out that we have blackout dates where we can’t request to be off so I can’t go back home to Texas to be with family. This means my holiday season is going to be spent alone at home. Definitely not the best way to spend the season that brings people together so rather than be down and alone I’ve been dwelling on the idea of looking for places where I can spend some of my extra time volunteering helping out others and hopefully continue to do the same during the holidays. What better way to spend my time than helping others in anyway I can, even if its something so stupid as telling a lame joke that is so bad they laugh at me for being such a dork. At least I made them laugh and smile. I would much rather be doing something good for others than alone dwelling on where I went wrong and what lead up to that moment.

I’ve been thinking about my aunt a lot and she does nothing but offer herself up for others. She is not worried about herself one bit, her life is spent trying to help other people however she can. I’ve learned from her how to be strong and shrug off the bad, even if it is crippling, all the while showing a smile to brighten others days. Now I am truly seeing how much she offers herself to others and its admirable. I miss her but I’m glad she is doing okay. 

Now, I’m going to do like she does which is put on my big smile, shrug off all the bad, push forward, and offer myself to others through God. 

I want to hide

Today has been so hard, from the very beginning to right now. I woke up with a very heavy heart and a strong feeling of despair. Normally I can fake a smile and get through the day feeling somewhat okay but not this day. This day has dragged on to ensure I feel every ounce of sadness and I’ve prayed all day long that this would get easier but my relief is short lived. I think of all the positives yet they don’t give me even a smile.

I don’t want to be home, I’d much rather be out but I don’t want to be seen. I wish it were colder so I can hide beneath layers of clothes and jackets and scarves and hats. I even want to find my old glasses so no one can look at my eyes; I may even go get a new pair if I can’t find my old pair so no one can see my eyes. I want to hide.
When you meet someone new you have to peel back layers to truly uncover who that person is. I haven’t had layers in so long, I’m an open book, but I feel myself getting layers. I don’t want to be known or discovered. I want to hide.

Mini espionage

Two more finals to go, one for tonight which should be a piece of cake and one tomorrow which might not be. I can’t say I’m worried about them but I know I won’t get the grade I want, my mind has been too scattered to focus lately so my grade will reflect that. Last nights final was definitely easy, I was able to remember a lot of the answers to the questions but there were some that tripped me up at first and some where I almost swapped the answers because the questions were closely worded like another question. Overall, I feel I did good on my final last night.

So yesterday….my roommates (Roberto = roommate) girlfriend left the house on bike. A little back story:

They have been dating since last year, at first it was mostly sexual as I could hear the noises and she would come for about an hour and then leave. In January, she began staying with us. She is deaf and doesn’t speak so my frustration comes from their lack of communication, he doesn’t learn to sign but somehow they make it work. I’ll call her Kat.

Okay, back to yesterday. My other roommate, Helen, has been noticing that Kat has been leaving the house almost everyday, while Roberto leaves to go to work (he’s usually gone for about a week), and doesn’t come back for hours. Kat doesn’t work and when she is home all she seems to do is stay in her room while killing time on the internet. Helen has some ideas about what is going on, why Kat leaves everyday for hours, and I noticed that she did leave about 11 AM but didn’t get back until after I got home which was 8 PM. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her leave either but this was the first time I got back and she wasn’t there. Today, I was supposed to go follow her, if she left, just to find out where it is that she goes that way Helen’s imagination would stop running wild. Unfortunately, she stayed home today. Guess I’ll try another day I have the morning off.

Also yesterday, I made myself eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner but now I have the biggest sweet tooth ever….nothing seems to satisfy my craving. So what I’m going to do is make most of my meals liquid meals (juice, smoothies, tea, water) with a few solids thrown in (bread, grain, maybe fish) to get my eating habits back in proper order. 

I’ve got a lot of plans right now for what I want within the next two years and I’m looking at several ways to start my plans moving. It’s a good thing I know a few guys who might be able to help me in each one of my plans but I hope they are willing. I’m going to make it work, I’ve got nothing else to look forward to other than these plans now so all of my attention and focus is going to making these work. They are what is driving me right now. I hope in the process to have other hopes and wishes to happen but if I focus on what might be impossible I’ll never get done what is possible. 

Within the next two weeks I do plan on doing something pretty dangerous and I keep mulling it over but it’s something I have to do. I’m not going to reveal what it is unless I come out of it alive but I’m both nervous and looking forward to it.

Old clutter

I’m not sure what to do on my day off, I kind of want to just lay in bed but that’s uncomfortable and my sides hurt still. I did force myself to get up and begin to clean my room. It started with picking things up but I thought, “why stop there?”

I pulled my stuff out of the closet and went through it all. Anything I haven’t used or touch in a long time I put it in the trash. There was a lot of old school work that I thought I might use to look at for notes perhaps someday but I don’t need it. Lots of old items: bracelets, cables, notebooks, half empty boxes.

I compiled everything I decided to keep into less boxes that I will ultimately go through to decide once more what to throw away. I’m keeping the boxes out on my floor so I can remember to go through them later. I also went through all of my clothes and pulled out anything I don’t wear so I can donate it and anything that has holes to throw away. 

I realized that even though I’ve been living in California for just over 3 years, I still have a lot of stuff from my old life back in Texas. It’s time to let it go,

“Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!”

Had a little Disney moment there 😛 It was a good movie. But it’s time that I let go of everything and accept my life here, what I’m doing now, and press forward. I did get nostalgic going through my stuff but I can’t hold on to everything. I’m not finished but it’s time to take a break today, maybe I’ll try eating something, then go to take my final for class tonight. Tomorrow I’ll pick back up where I left off, maybe rearrange my room.

To my ‘friend’,

Thank you for the flowers. My favorite color!

Second take about last night

Last night was a complete surprise but I think I came across a little cold about what happened last night and some of the things I said in my last post can be taken negatively. This is how I felt about it:

It was a surprise to see my ‘friend’ because I honestly didn’t think I would run into her there at that place. At first I was nervous since I didn’t know what would happen if we ran into each other and I didn’t want to have a showdown in a dance place. Nothing bad happened but I could see she was upset which was unfortunate because I really can’t do anything to try and cheer her up, she said she wanted space so I’ve been trying to keep distance and resist the urge to contact her. For me, that’s very hard because I’m anxiously waiting for us to start being friends again, and although I want to start right now, she is not ready to.

Despite the surprise of seeing her there, I was very happy to run into her. There seems to be a lot left to be said but we both know that none of what we have to say matters anymore, it wont change how things are so we kept silent the majority of our thoughts.

Now I know in my last post I said I hope she keeps going to her normal place that way I can enjoy this place without worry, I don’t mean that. I was a bit upset when I wrote my last post. In truth, I hope I run into her more often at places like this. I know we wont be going there together and we wont even dance together but its so nice just to see her, I felt happy seeing her. I have no negative feelings about her, I want to make that perfectly clear, I only have feelings of hope and love.

To my ‘friend’,

I miss you dearly! Patience is not my best trait but our friendship is worth waiting for, it was great before and it’ll be great again. I trust you. And don’t forget, LIKE THE UNIVERSE!

Very unexpected

I went dancing tonight, like I had planned on, but what I didn’t plan on was running into my ‘friend’. That was a complete shock and I had no idea that she would be there. I didn’t even know she knew about that place so I was so nervous to enter but I figured I could go in and not run into her so I proceeded. I went in and bought a shot to calm down, which helped, but I was still nervous. I did find a nice girl who was alone and was kind enough to show me some dance moves and practice with me. I was stiff as a board at first, of course, but i wanted to stick with it to learn. 

I saw my ‘friend’ at some point but I continued as if I didn’t hoping she wouldn’t notice me either. But of course, I would not be so lucky. She came up to me a little while later and we began to discuss nothing and everything. It was weird simply because I honestly didn’t think I would see her there and was completely caught off guard when I saw her there. I really just wanted to go and dance so I could keep busy but as it turns out that’s exactly what she has been doing since we broke up so I was right. She has been going out all the time to forget me. She said that she cares about me but if that’s true then why try to forget? She seemed to be deeply enjoying herself with those guys so of course she has forgotten about me. I believe I’m the farthest thing from her mind.

Anyway, the girl was so nice and taught me a couple of things and helped me practice. She frequents another place in downtown so I hope to see her there. She is probably the first person I’ve made a friend with in over so long that I truly hope I see her again just to enjoy her company. She taught me some steps, turns, and a bit how to lead. I can say that tonight was fun, aside from seeing my ‘friend’. 

Maybe one day my ‘friend’ and I can go to these events together but right now I really hope I don’t have any surprises like this again. I told her I’m going to continue going to this place on Sundays so I’m hoping she sticks with where shes been going. She seems to enjoy her guys company anyway so if she sticks to where she usually goes then she can be with her guys and I can enjoy myself at this new place. She doesn’t want to see me anyway. 

I enjoyed myself tonight with my lesson but the conversation with my ‘friend’ was just so unexpected, and I know where I stand and where she stands, so it’s hard to be around her since she wants nothing to do with me. Tonight was mixed. There was parts I liked and parts I didn’t. 

I hope that one day she can come to me as a true friend and not my ‘friend’ but she seems to be enjoying herself forgetting about me. It would be great to have my friend back but until then she is just my ‘friend’, (a friend I can not count on). She says I should trust her but I’m so weak in everything right now that doubt and fear are my strongest emotions and trust is so hard for me. When I looked into her eyes I can say that I trust her but, without hearing from her, my trust will be strong some days and extremely weak most every day. If she just spoke to me even a little my trust might not waiver so much but I’m a guy of action, meaning: the actions you do speak more to me than the words you say. 

 

The eggshell cracks

I almost didn’t want to write today because I’ve finally hit the breaking point and last night I cracked. I was able to hold everything in for almost two weeks but I finally couldn’t take it anymore. To my ‘friend’, she thinks our break happened on Friday the 15th but it all truly began on the 10th, the night we decided to take time apart. That, in combination with my aunts cancer, plus the additives of what’s going on back home in Texas, has a finally just become too much so I cracked.

The upside is my aunts test results came back, and although she has large amounts of cancer deposits, she is stable, for now. That makes me very happy to hear. She can finally get a little time to rest. I told her a funny story that happened to me a few months ago to hopefully get her to laugh, which she did. I figure what I can do for her is to show her I’m ok and try hard to make her smile, its about all I can do.

Eating food still makes me feel sick but in order to maintain a healthy body I have to force even a little bit of food into my system. I really don’t like eating at the moment, one bite of anything and I’m finished with eating for a while. However, I’ve been walking a lot so I need to keep my energy levels high enough to maintain my body, especially if I’m to go dancing more. I need a partner and I may have found someone to go with but I need to ask first. Now, I’m not interested in them from a dating point of view but I’d much rather go with someone than by myself but I’ll need to make that clear when I ask.

I’ve already started doing things for myself, like I volunteered for a race coming up and there are these charity events that I want to get involved with and this morning I saw something about s extreme couponing and I thought if I could understand how that works then I could do the same thing but instead of keeping all the food for myself I would donate all of it to the local shelters. I mean, I don’t want to eat anyway but I know there are a ton of hungry people out there. I just need to find out how people do it because they make it seem like a job so I know I wont get it overnight but I want to try.

During my walk last night I cracked, yes, but I found out that through all of the anger and misery, I’m sad; I would like someone to be there for me. This morning, I knew that I may be destined to be alone for the rest of my life, and it’s because I expect so much from my relationships that I’m not happy when that expectation isn’t met. I have to do a better job of being understanding and accepting, however, if the case is that I be alone then I have to do whatever I want for me. I’m not okay with being alone, but I’ll endure as long as I can help others and make people smile.

Cancer sucks

It’s kind of strange that my aunt contacted me today because she’s usually not the best at texting and doesn’t always answer her phone so it was a surprise that she texted me. She just wanted to know how I was doing and I told her the truth, of course, I can’t lie to her. As always, she just keeps encouraging me to push forward, keep my feet moving because even though I can’t see the path and don’t know where I’m going if I keep moving forward it will all become clear eventually.

I asked her how she was doing. Her response frightened me: “kicking and fighting. I’m not leaving without a fight”

It’s totally like her to put up a front like that, showing off like she can beat anything, that nothing phases her, but that last part, “I’m not leaving without a fight”, it scares me. I know she is tired a lot but is she finally coming to terms with everything and seeing that the end is soon at hand? Has she accepted this as her fate? I can’t stand to think of her not being here, it sucks that I’m so far away from home right now.

I’ve looked into anyway that I could possibly help her, if there was anything I could give her to help but there’s nothing I can do. I’d give anything if I could take her place so that she can keep being a positive force in the world. I pray everyday that I wake up to a day where she is cured. I pray that God give her sickness to me instead but I wake up every morning and things are the same.

When I told her that she just said, “Life is precious, we don’t know how precious until we no longer have it completely”

I know there are many people out in the world who have been affected by breast cancer who can sympathize and I pray for them but sometimes prayer isn’t enough. It doesn’t provide the comfort of having someone there to just listen and hold, I know I could use someone to sit with me and listen. I wish I could be there with her.