Lately my moral compass has been non-existent and I’ve been doing whatever I feel like doing with little worry about the consequences it has on myself or others. I was brought up to be better and know better, to be what most consider a rare breed of person nowadays, selfless and caring for others. I can say that its not that I don’t see what I should do because I do see the correct choices, the right choices, but I’m choosing to ignore that so I can focus on personal gains. With all that’s happened I suppose I’ve been seeking out relief in some form and that is a reason I am being a “terrible” person but I can’t believe that’s the only reason yet it gives me the excuse to fall back onto to be such person.

I’ve gone from excessive spending, to intoxication, to physical brutality, and now manipulation. Oddly, those last two actually went hand in hand just recently but now I have an outlet to be destructive in a manner which I find enjoyable. I can see that if I continue to be so reckless I could become such a toxic person that I begin to affect myself but the fact I see this now is going to allow me to know where and when to stop or establish a boundary not to cross.

When your hero passes the world seems to become a blur

Two weeks ago I was visiting my family, things seemed normal, well as normal as normal gets for us. I got to spend time with my family, my cousins, my Doll so it was totally worth spending all my vacation hours to be back. A week ago, I had an emergency visit back home at the news of the death of my Doll, it was 8:54 in the morning when I got the call. All night my cousin and I had been texting from the moment she came out of surgery and entered ICU and knowing that this was going on after I just left made it difficult to sleep. As tired as I might have been I knew I should be up for my cousin just in case she needs to talk since she had already called me a few times that night; I wished I could be there for her, for everyone. I must have knocked out until my phone rang at 8:54 and in that moment, after seeing my cousins number on my phone, my heart sank. Of course, I knew why she was calling so early. For what other reason would she have to call me so early? I answered to hear what I already knew, my Doll had passed. So one week ago I went back home to bury my aunt, my mother.

Here we are today, another weeks passing, and I can barely function. The afternoons have become my mornings and the nights have become my days. Work is just one of those things I do now because I have to in order to make a living but I have no desire to do anything anymore, if I didn’t before I really don’t now. Inside I feel bad because I know I’m being very antisocial which is unfair to my roommate but I don’t feel like conversation or playing video games or having a music lesson. There’s always an excuse I make to avoid leaving my house, in fact my bed…..I just lay in bed all day long and watch movies; there isn’t anything else I want to do.

I’ve talked with my cousins and we all feel the same way in that we all know exactly what she would tell us and expect from us in a time like this. She was be telling old ridiculous stories that made us laugh because of the stupidity of those involved or be making jokes at our expense but we would still laugh. She would expect us to pick up where we left off and keep moving because that’s what she did and what she inspired; no matter what happens you keep pushing forward until you can’t anymore. That’s how she was and how many of us in the family are but I can’t seem to bring myself to move.

She and I had conversations where she told me how alone she felt in the last few months but I find it difficult to see how that was possible when she was loved by so many people but then again I’ve tried looking at myself like that after being told so many times that people care about me and understand that it’s just how depression works; she had it as I have it.