When your hero passes the world seems to become a blur

Two weeks ago I was visiting my family, things seemed normal, well as normal as normal gets for us. I got to spend time with my family, my cousins, my Doll so it was totally worth spending all my vacation hours to be back. A week ago, I had an emergency visit back home at the news of the death of my Doll, it was 8:54 in the morning when I got the call. All night my cousin and I had been texting from the moment she came out of surgery and entered ICU and knowing that this was going on after I just left made it difficult to sleep. As tired as I might have been I knew I should be up for my cousin just in case she needs to talk since she had already called me a few times that night; I wished I could be there for her, for everyone. I must have knocked out until my phone rang at 8:54 and in that moment, after seeing my cousins number on my phone, my heart sank. Of course, I knew why she was calling so early. For what other reason would she have to call me so early? I answered to hear what I already knew, my Doll had passed. So one week ago I went back home to bury my aunt, my mother.

Here we are today, another weeks passing, and I can barely function. The afternoons have become my mornings and the nights have become my days. Work is just one of those things I do now because I have to in order to make a living but I have no desire to do anything anymore, if I didn’t before I really don’t now. Inside I feel bad because I know I’m being very antisocial which is unfair to my roommate but I don’t feel like conversation or playing video games or having a music lesson. There’s always an excuse I make to avoid leaving my house, in fact my bed…..I just lay in bed all day long and watch movies; there isn’t anything else I want to do.

I’ve talked with my cousins and we all feel the same way in that we all know exactly what she would tell us and expect from us in a time like this. She was be telling old ridiculous stories that made us laugh because of the stupidity of those involved or be making jokes at our expense but we would still laugh. She would expect us to pick up where we left off and keep moving because that’s what she did and what she inspired; no matter what happens you keep pushing forward until you can’t anymore. That’s how she was and how many of us in the family are but I can’t seem to bring myself to move.

She and I had conversations where she told me how alone she felt in the last few months but I find it difficult to see how that was possible when she was loved by so many people but then again I’ve tried looking at myself like that after being told so many times that people care about me and understand that it’s just how depression works; she had it as I have it.

The shock of my morning

My morning began with a phone call from my cousin telling me that my Doll is in ICU and now on life support. I am confused right now, still in shock I think, not knowing what I’m feeling or what I should feel or what I should do or what I can do. What I do know is that I’m glad I saw her just a few days ago but I hate that there really isn’t anything I can do. The way she is, I know that she’s going to struggle to come back but she will fight to do so but at the moment things are more on the side that she won’t make it back from this.

The dread of seeing your hero falling

I went to see my Doll yesterday and despite the enormous amount of love I have for her I dreaded it for I was unsure how to handle it.

As usual her house was open, by that I mean her doors were unlocked even though she lives in the hood where things are sketchy but that’s just always how she’s been. Immediately, we were greeted by the kids who were joyous to see us. Hugs went all around as we smiled because we were happy to be together again. I walked down the hallway to her room where she lay bedridden, unable to summon the strength to get up for her normal daily routine. Before we went in I knew she couldn’t move so I was afraid to see her, see the strong woman I know left with none and it was hard for me to look her in the eye but I was overjoyed to be with her. Of course, my cousins wanted all my attention so I was torn trying to stretch myself to give it to them all so I made it a point to stay in the room and converse in a manner that included everyone but when you have several age groups in one room it’s difficult.

My cousins finally pried me from my Doll to tell me everything that was going on with them, so much information to process but living so far away I know they would have tons to tell me now that I was here. They’ve all grown up so much, I’m proud of them all for their accomplishment and goals; their futures seem so bright. We spoke of school, archery, anime, life goals, my job, and video games.

I’d finally had enough and told myself to bring my attention back to my Doll, she is the one I wanted to see most. Still unsure of what to say to her or what I should talk about I just sat next to her and smiled but I knew she knew how I was feeling. I’m sure I was a terrible actor yesterday and my face spoke a million words even with my ever growing skill to hide behind a mask, seeing her broke any ability to hide. Even in her state she still spoke with such positivity that she was stronger than life but I fear her spirit is too strong for her body but she has to realize that, I know she has through her moments. Occasionally she tells me how proud she is of me but she does so with the tone that it may be the last time we talk so I know she realizes it and behind what everyone sees she is scared and tired. I want to be strong for her, give her my body, my strength, my youth and health but it’s impossible; I can only be strong for her by showing everyone my strength and fortitude through this.

It got late so we had to say our goodbyes and let her rest but I didn’t want to leave her because the thought, “what if this is the last time I see her” kept popping in my head but today she is still here and I plan to see her again, I will see her again.

Things we want to know but afraid to ask

There are things we know and things we want to know as we move through life. Sometimes there are things we want to know but afraid to ask about for the fear of hearing something we don’t want to hear. For me, I had that fear but asked to know anyway because it’s important that I keep myself in the loop….my Doll is in extreme condition now. I spoke with my mother earlier today to find out about home but dreaded asking her the question, “how is Doll?”

As it turns out her days are now no longer manageable with medication, even the stronger doses, and the cancer has taken a different form now attacking her skin with burning patches. It doesn’t help to know that she underwent chemo once more and nearly died yet again to an allergic reaction because of it. I don’t know how she does it but everyday she tells me she’s fine and she somehow manages to put on a brave face with her wonderful smile. She is remarkable! I do the only thing I know I can do and that’s tell her I love her and maybe send a picture to show her my silly face.

Terminal

Two days ago I learned that my aunt is now at terminal cancer stage. I don’t think I was suppose to know because my mom wanted me to keep being positive and hope things would get better. She doesn’t want to think about the end, she wants to keep being hopeful and I don’t blame her, I would want to hold on to hope if it were my sister. Every part of me wants to be positive but when someone is non-responsive to all treatment, even clinical, and is tired all of the time the truth is not hard to see; I see the truth that no one wants to see. I don’t want to see it but I know it’s there no matter what so my fear is that at any time my phone may be ringing with bad news.

Do I feel sad? yes! But right now I do not feel the full weight of the situation, I’m still in disbelief that it’s come to this, the denial stage. As time moves forward my emotions may begin to surface once I realize that this is no dream but very real, I might lose my dearest aunt soon. She has previously expressed that she doesn’t think she would make it to my would be wedding date, May 9th, and she has been so generous, more than usual, as of late. Perhaps she knows the inescapable truth that awaits her but keeps a front for everyone so that they may be more at ease, which would be just like her to do so. She’s so brave even in this time.

My aunt Doll has been a positive force for as long as I’ve known her; she always looking out for others and trying to make their lives better. The whole family thought she was crazy when she and the kids came to visit me because when she did visit she allowed two homeless people she had seen regularly to stay in her house so that they wouldn’t be on the street for a little while. She was crazy but she wanted to help. My aunt has always been like that to everyone she meets, always looking out for other people. Even now, that I’m going through a difficult breakup, all she wants for me is to be happy and she tries her best to make me laugh by telling stupid stories and sending funny pictures. I feel like I’m failing her because I should be trying to make her laugh and smile, not the other way around. She has always believed in me no matter what and my life right now feels like its failing so I feel like I’m failing her.

It all makes sense though, she has repeated that she doesn’t think she has much time left, in different words of course. I just pray that she be here for the holiday season at least because it would be a terrible season if she wasn’t. There is a whole other mess going on in my life but this is the most important.

My Doll

Today didn’t start well since I woke up from dreams in a panic, multiple times, but kept trying to sleep in yet my phone kept blowing up with texts from my coworker so my morning wasn’t the best. I was anxious after getting up and getting ready but figuring the day would turn out better I brushed it off. The day went pretty well, up to a certain point.

My family has always been a little different in that we have all had some sort of spiritual connection with each other so when something is wrong with one of us there is a good chance that someone feels it. Well today, out of the blue, I felt that something was wrong, seriously wrong, which confused me since my day was going along like any other. Immediately, I thought of my ‘friend’ but I brushed that off, deciding that she was fine and I didn’t need to check up on her. This feeling didn’t go away so when I went on my lunch I prayed about what I was feeling and my aunt came to mind. That very second I tried to contact her, my mom, my cousins, anyone who would know how she was doing; my mom answered first. 

Apparently, this past weekend my mom and aunt were to go fishing together which is great because it’s relaxing but my aunt didn’t feel well Saturday. They planned for Sunday but again she didn’t feel well. My aunt felt so bad that she called my mom crying and for my aunt to cry means that something is truly wrong with her. As it turns out, she has been feeling so weak and tired that she can’t really do anything anymore. Walking around the house is very difficult now for her which means that she spends most of her time sitting or laying down. Even though her cancer might be stable, she is still getting weaker and getting more tired. Admittedly, she has said to me that she fears sleeping because one morning she might not wake up.

This scares me so much, to think that soon I could wake up one morning to the news that my aunt passed. The very thought brings me to tears, even now. I hate that I’m so far away from my family because I want to be there for them, for my cousins and my mom but most importantly to make my aunt smile as much as I can. Today I sent her a silly picture of myself just so she could laugh a little.

There isn’t anyone here that I can confide in about this so it’s hard to push through my days and keep smiling like nothing is wrong when under the surface I’m sad and scared. Writing here has been my form of release since, again, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. It helps a little to write but it would be really nice to sit down with someone who would just listen and maybe offer a hug.

I love my aunt very much.

Cancer sucks

It’s kind of strange that my aunt contacted me today because she’s usually not the best at texting and doesn’t always answer her phone so it was a surprise that she texted me. She just wanted to know how I was doing and I told her the truth, of course, I can’t lie to her. As always, she just keeps encouraging me to push forward, keep my feet moving because even though I can’t see the path and don’t know where I’m going if I keep moving forward it will all become clear eventually.

I asked her how she was doing. Her response frightened me: “kicking and fighting. I’m not leaving without a fight”

It’s totally like her to put up a front like that, showing off like she can beat anything, that nothing phases her, but that last part, “I’m not leaving without a fight”, it scares me. I know she is tired a lot but is she finally coming to terms with everything and seeing that the end is soon at hand? Has she accepted this as her fate? I can’t stand to think of her not being here, it sucks that I’m so far away from home right now.

I’ve looked into anyway that I could possibly help her, if there was anything I could give her to help but there’s nothing I can do. I’d give anything if I could take her place so that she can keep being a positive force in the world. I pray everyday that I wake up to a day where she is cured. I pray that God give her sickness to me instead but I wake up every morning and things are the same.

When I told her that she just said, “Life is precious, we don’t know how precious until we no longer have it completely”

I know there are many people out in the world who have been affected by breast cancer who can sympathize and I pray for them but sometimes prayer isn’t enough. It doesn’t provide the comfort of having someone there to just listen and hold, I know I could use someone to sit with me and listen. I wish I could be there with her.

Alone, hopeless, and helpless

My aunt has not been feeling so well lately and has gone in for some tests at the doctor’s office. She has been fighting breast cancer for years, it sucks. When it hit I don’t think anyone in our family thought it would be this difficult or have been dragged out this long. All the normal tests and treatments have done nothing and she has been on just about every possible experimental treatment that there is. NOTHING! is working and she is getting more tired every day.

When I visited home I could see how tired she really is and although she always puts up a front to show that she is strong, and that nothing gets to her, I could see. For my whole life, she has been like my other mom so we are very close. It is hard to see her like this but it sucks even more that I am so far away so I only hear whats going on from my mom. My mom, I can only imagine how she feels having to walk along side her sister through all of this struggle.

I’m so far away from them and now I don’t anyone here I can confide in about this. I’m so angry about my relationship and my ‘friend’ because I really could use my friend right now, yet I can’t turn to her and I’m not close with anyone else to share this with. 

I feel alone, hopeless, and helpless.