I went to see my Doll yesterday and despite the enormous amount of love I have for her I dreaded it for I was unsure how to handle it.
As usual her house was open, by that I mean her doors were unlocked even though she lives in the hood where things are sketchy but that’s just always how she’s been. Immediately, we were greeted by the kids who were joyous to see us. Hugs went all around as we smiled because we were happy to be together again. I walked down the hallway to her room where she lay bedridden, unable to summon the strength to get up for her normal daily routine. Before we went in I knew she couldn’t move so I was afraid to see her, see the strong woman I know left with none and it was hard for me to look her in the eye but I was overjoyed to be with her. Of course, my cousins wanted all my attention so I was torn trying to stretch myself to give it to them all so I made it a point to stay in the room and converse in a manner that included everyone but when you have several age groups in one room it’s difficult.
My cousins finally pried me from my Doll to tell me everything that was going on with them, so much information to process but living so far away I know they would have tons to tell me now that I was here. They’ve all grown up so much, I’m proud of them all for their accomplishment and goals; their futures seem so bright. We spoke of school, archery, anime, life goals, my job, and video games.
I’d finally had enough and told myself to bring my attention back to my Doll, she is the one I wanted to see most. Still unsure of what to say to her or what I should talk about I just sat next to her and smiled but I knew she knew how I was feeling. I’m sure I was a terrible actor yesterday and my face spoke a million words even with my ever growing skill to hide behind a mask, seeing her broke any ability to hide. Even in her state she still spoke with such positivity that she was stronger than life but I fear her spirit is too strong for her body but she has to realize that, I know she has through her moments. Occasionally she tells me how proud she is of me but she does so with the tone that it may be the last time we talk so I know she realizes it and behind what everyone sees she is scared and tired. I want to be strong for her, give her my body, my strength, my youth and health but it’s impossible; I can only be strong for her by showing everyone my strength and fortitude through this.
It got late so we had to say our goodbyes and let her rest but I didn’t want to leave her because the thought, “what if this is the last time I see her” kept popping in my head but today she is still here and I plan to see her again, I will see her again.
JXMUNOZ 