My morning began with a phone call from my cousin telling me that my Doll is in ICU and now on life support. I am confused right now, still in shock I think, not knowing what I’m feeling or what I should feel or what I should do or what I can do. What I do know is that I’m glad I saw her just a few days ago but I hate that there really isn’t anything I can do. The way she is, I know that she’s going to struggle to come back but she will fight to do so but at the moment things are more on the side that she won’t make it back from this.
sad
The dread of seeing your hero falling
I went to see my Doll yesterday and despite the enormous amount of love I have for her I dreaded it for I was unsure how to handle it.
As usual her house was open, by that I mean her doors were unlocked even though she lives in the hood where things are sketchy but that’s just always how she’s been. Immediately, we were greeted by the kids who were joyous to see us. Hugs went all around as we smiled because we were happy to be together again. I walked down the hallway to her room where she lay bedridden, unable to summon the strength to get up for her normal daily routine. Before we went in I knew she couldn’t move so I was afraid to see her, see the strong woman I know left with none and it was hard for me to look her in the eye but I was overjoyed to be with her. Of course, my cousins wanted all my attention so I was torn trying to stretch myself to give it to them all so I made it a point to stay in the room and converse in a manner that included everyone but when you have several age groups in one room it’s difficult.
My cousins finally pried me from my Doll to tell me everything that was going on with them, so much information to process but living so far away I know they would have tons to tell me now that I was here. They’ve all grown up so much, I’m proud of them all for their accomplishment and goals; their futures seem so bright. We spoke of school, archery, anime, life goals, my job, and video games.
I’d finally had enough and told myself to bring my attention back to my Doll, she is the one I wanted to see most. Still unsure of what to say to her or what I should talk about I just sat next to her and smiled but I knew she knew how I was feeling. I’m sure I was a terrible actor yesterday and my face spoke a million words even with my ever growing skill to hide behind a mask, seeing her broke any ability to hide. Even in her state she still spoke with such positivity that she was stronger than life but I fear her spirit is too strong for her body but she has to realize that, I know she has through her moments. Occasionally she tells me how proud she is of me but she does so with the tone that it may be the last time we talk so I know she realizes it and behind what everyone sees she is scared and tired. I want to be strong for her, give her my body, my strength, my youth and health but it’s impossible; I can only be strong for her by showing everyone my strength and fortitude through this.
It got late so we had to say our goodbyes and let her rest but I didn’t want to leave her because the thought, “what if this is the last time I see her” kept popping in my head but today she is still here and I plan to see her again, I will see her again.
When you think you’re doing better but sober up
Everyday I trick myself into believing that life is fine and dandy but it’s a lie. In the morning I drag myself out of bed, literally crawl from under the sheets forcing myself to face the day but all I want to do is remain under the covers in the dark. I will take every minute possible to remain there until it is absolutely necessary to face the world. The moment I get up my mind begins racing as it does with all the possibilities I can fathom for the day ahead and not just with my life but with all the people I know and knew; I wonder what is in store for them. Often times, I imagine everyone doing way better off while I’m here, doing better than I was, yet unsatisfied with life. I get excited from little things like anyone else so I feel normal for a moment but it’s short lived which leaves me feeling empty because I think that if I was only excited for a moment then was I truly excited or was I pretending.
What do I want? This is the question I constantly swirl around in my mind, that amongst other thoughts; I don’t know anymore. Actually, what I want is to not be here anymore, to cease existing, perish, disappear….I don’t want to continue feeling like an emotionless vessel anymore…….I want to feel and so far no amount of pain or drugs can help me do that. Every morning, I take a look at this bottle and wonder, “is today the day I’m going to feel anything?” Knowing things aren’t going to change I open it up anyway so I can start my day in, hopefully, a better place. This better place, I’m not sure if I ever get there but I know when everything is taking effect so the world seems different, not necessarily better just different. At the moment though, I’m completely sober and it is the worst because I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I barely went to say hi to my friend but I did because I was close by, like walking distance close, and I know that I should get out. It was nice to chat for a moment but the whole time I was panicking and anxious to get home to hide in my bed which made me feel bad for feeling that way rather than wanting to stay longer and chat.
JXMUNOZ 