When your hero passes the world seems to become a blur

Two weeks ago I was visiting my family, things seemed normal, well as normal as normal gets for us. I got to spend time with my family, my cousins, my Doll so it was totally worth spending all my vacation hours to be back. A week ago, I had an emergency visit back home at the news of the death of my Doll, it was 8:54 in the morning when I got the call. All night my cousin and I had been texting from the moment she came out of surgery and entered ICU and knowing that this was going on after I just left made it difficult to sleep. As tired as I might have been I knew I should be up for my cousin just in case she needs to talk since she had already called me a few times that night; I wished I could be there for her, for everyone. I must have knocked out until my phone rang at 8:54 and in that moment, after seeing my cousins number on my phone, my heart sank. Of course, I knew why she was calling so early. For what other reason would she have to call me so early? I answered to hear what I already knew, my Doll had passed. So one week ago I went back home to bury my aunt, my mother.

Here we are today, another weeks passing, and I can barely function. The afternoons have become my mornings and the nights have become my days. Work is just one of those things I do now because I have to in order to make a living but I have no desire to do anything anymore, if I didn’t before I really don’t now. Inside I feel bad because I know I’m being very antisocial which is unfair to my roommate but I don’t feel like conversation or playing video games or having a music lesson. There’s always an excuse I make to avoid leaving my house, in fact my bed…..I just lay in bed all day long and watch movies; there isn’t anything else I want to do.

I’ve talked with my cousins and we all feel the same way in that we all know exactly what she would tell us and expect from us in a time like this. She was be telling old ridiculous stories that made us laugh because of the stupidity of those involved or be making jokes at our expense but we would still laugh. She would expect us to pick up where we left off and keep moving because that’s what she did and what she inspired; no matter what happens you keep pushing forward until you can’t anymore. That’s how she was and how many of us in the family are but I can’t seem to bring myself to move.

She and I had conversations where she told me how alone she felt in the last few months but I find it difficult to see how that was possible when she was loved by so many people but then again I’ve tried looking at myself like that after being told so many times that people care about me and understand that it’s just how depression works; she had it as I have it.

The shock of my morning

My morning began with a phone call from my cousin telling me that my Doll is in ICU and now on life support. I am confused right now, still in shock I think, not knowing what I’m feeling or what I should feel or what I should do or what I can do. What I do know is that I’m glad I saw her just a few days ago but I hate that there really isn’t anything I can do. The way she is, I know that she’s going to struggle to come back but she will fight to do so but at the moment things are more on the side that she won’t make it back from this.

The dread of seeing your hero falling

I went to see my Doll yesterday and despite the enormous amount of love I have for her I dreaded it for I was unsure how to handle it.

As usual her house was open, by that I mean her doors were unlocked even though she lives in the hood where things are sketchy but that’s just always how she’s been. Immediately, we were greeted by the kids who were joyous to see us. Hugs went all around as we smiled because we were happy to be together again. I walked down the hallway to her room where she lay bedridden, unable to summon the strength to get up for her normal daily routine. Before we went in I knew she couldn’t move so I was afraid to see her, see the strong woman I know left with none and it was hard for me to look her in the eye but I was overjoyed to be with her. Of course, my cousins wanted all my attention so I was torn trying to stretch myself to give it to them all so I made it a point to stay in the room and converse in a manner that included everyone but when you have several age groups in one room it’s difficult.

My cousins finally pried me from my Doll to tell me everything that was going on with them, so much information to process but living so far away I know they would have tons to tell me now that I was here. They’ve all grown up so much, I’m proud of them all for their accomplishment and goals; their futures seem so bright. We spoke of school, archery, anime, life goals, my job, and video games.

I’d finally had enough and told myself to bring my attention back to my Doll, she is the one I wanted to see most. Still unsure of what to say to her or what I should talk about I just sat next to her and smiled but I knew she knew how I was feeling. I’m sure I was a terrible actor yesterday and my face spoke a million words even with my ever growing skill to hide behind a mask, seeing her broke any ability to hide. Even in her state she still spoke with such positivity that she was stronger than life but I fear her spirit is too strong for her body but she has to realize that, I know she has through her moments. Occasionally she tells me how proud she is of me but she does so with the tone that it may be the last time we talk so I know she realizes it and behind what everyone sees she is scared and tired. I want to be strong for her, give her my body, my strength, my youth and health but it’s impossible; I can only be strong for her by showing everyone my strength and fortitude through this.

It got late so we had to say our goodbyes and let her rest but I didn’t want to leave her because the thought, “what if this is the last time I see her” kept popping in my head but today she is still here and I plan to see her again, I will see her again.

Black is white and white is black

My hands are stained red, my breath is short, my eyes are focused, my mind is blurred; everything is mixing together, there is no distinguishing lines from what is acceptable and what is not. For me, it all blends together in one stew of life. The wrong doesn’t seem so wrong anymore but circumstantial based on numerous variables while the right follows in the same manner; what seemed right before no longer seems right, not entirely anyway. It may not have been right to be aggressive but holding it for this long….my pot was bound to overflow eventually. My regret though is that the wrong person was present at that time and not the one who should have been.

When you think you’re doing better but sober up

Everyday I trick myself into believing that life is fine and dandy but it’s a lie. In the morning I drag myself out of bed, literally crawl from under the sheets forcing myself to face the day but all I want to do is remain under the covers in the dark. I will take every minute possible to remain there until it is absolutely necessary to face the world. The moment I get up my mind begins racing as it does with all the possibilities I can fathom for the day ahead and not just with my life but with all the people I know and knew; I wonder what is in store for them. Often times, I imagine everyone doing way better off while I’m here, doing better than I was, yet unsatisfied with life. I get excited from little things like anyone else so I feel normal for a moment but it’s short lived which leaves me feeling empty because I think that if I was only excited for a moment then was I truly excited or was I pretending.

What do I want? This is the question I constantly swirl around in my mind, that amongst other thoughts; I don’t know anymore. Actually, what I want is to not be here anymore, to cease existing, perish, disappear….I don’t want to continue feeling like an emotionless vessel anymore…….I want to feel and so far no amount of pain or drugs can help me do that. Every morning, I take a look at this bottle and wonder, “is today the day I’m going to feel anything?” Knowing things aren’t going to change I open it up anyway so I can start my day in, hopefully, a better place. This better place, I’m not sure if I ever get there but I know when everything is taking effect so the world seems different, not necessarily better just different. At the moment though, I’m completely sober and it is the worst because I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I barely went to say hi to my friend but I did because I was close by, like walking distance close, and I know that I should get out. It was nice to chat for a moment but the whole time I was panicking and anxious to get home to hide in my bed which made me feel bad for feeling that way rather than wanting to stay longer and chat.

My world is distorted

It’s been like looking through shattered glass lately, able to see whats on the other side but things are a bit distorted. They aren’t distorted in a way that I can’t see what it is but in such a way that I feel differently about it.

Trying to be merry is a near impossible task this day, I say this day because I usually find some reason to smile, even for a little while. Today, the only reason I smiled was to fake my feelings and seem friendly at work while deep down I wanted to punch every person in the face. I even imagined how it would go, I would punch them in the face and snicker yet should they retaliate a far more insidious plot against them would begin.

All day long, it was my desire to fix all the broken that was in sight, which was most things even if, by definition of the term “working” I wanted to make better. Solitude was my desire today but it would not be so. I want one thing, to escape from myself, escape from me, the me who relishes fear. It feels as if that pleasure in fear is overwhelming; the desire for destruction is more prevalent as the days pass.

I discovered that I am a twin of the very person I look to above all. By that I mean I emit the same qualities they emit but deep down, under the surface we also have the same mindset. They also committed several attempts at the end and even have malicious thoughts of other individuals from time to time. As we have spoken they have revealed to me how twisted they are and related to me in a way no other individual will ever. They are only person who gets me 100%; They know me through and through so when they leave this world there will be no one who understands me the way they do.

Each day that passes I feel a little part of myself die off and a new part reborn. I feel like I’m waiting for the real me to come out, I’m waiting to die so I can live. That day may be close at hand as the only one who understands me may not be around after this year and it is then I fear I may come about as myself, not the person everyone sees and meets but the one who I hide. The one who takes pleasure in the fact that my own blood is spilled, I watch it daily trickle from my skin.