My hands are stained red, my breath is short, my eyes are focused, my mind is blurred; everything is mixing together, there is no distinguishing lines from what is acceptable and what is not. For me, it all blends together in one stew of life. The wrong doesn’t seem so wrong anymore but circumstantial based on numerous variables while the right follows in the same manner; what seemed right before no longer seems right, not entirely anyway. It may not have been right to be aggressive but holding it for this long….my pot was bound to overflow eventually. My regret though is that the wrong person was present at that time and not the one who should have been.
suicide
My world is distorted
It’s been like looking through shattered glass lately, able to see whats on the other side but things are a bit distorted. They aren’t distorted in a way that I can’t see what it is but in such a way that I feel differently about it.
Trying to be merry is a near impossible task this day, I say this day because I usually find some reason to smile, even for a little while. Today, the only reason I smiled was to fake my feelings and seem friendly at work while deep down I wanted to punch every person in the face. I even imagined how it would go, I would punch them in the face and snicker yet should they retaliate a far more insidious plot against them would begin.
All day long, it was my desire to fix all the broken that was in sight, which was most things even if, by definition of the term “working” I wanted to make better. Solitude was my desire today but it would not be so. I want one thing, to escape from myself, escape from me, the me who relishes fear. It feels as if that pleasure in fear is overwhelming; the desire for destruction is more prevalent as the days pass.
I discovered that I am a twin of the very person I look to above all. By that I mean I emit the same qualities they emit but deep down, under the surface we also have the same mindset. They also committed several attempts at the end and even have malicious thoughts of other individuals from time to time. As we have spoken they have revealed to me how twisted they are and related to me in a way no other individual will ever. They are only person who gets me 100%; They know me through and through so when they leave this world there will be no one who understands me the way they do.
Each day that passes I feel a little part of myself die off and a new part reborn. I feel like I’m waiting for the real me to come out, I’m waiting to die so I can live. That day may be close at hand as the only one who understands me may not be around after this year and it is then I fear I may come about as myself, not the person everyone sees and meets but the one who I hide. The one who takes pleasure in the fact that my own blood is spilled, I watch it daily trickle from my skin.
The beast inside
This was intended to be the best year of my life, I was going to make it so by doing everything I wanted to but life doesn’t turn out the way you want when you think you’re on top of the world. There is something that is thrown your way to mess up your plans and sometimes the obstacle is no big deal, it doesn’t ruin your plan too much but other times it completely takes you off your path. For 25 years I’ve learned as much as I could with my wondering mind, probably not as much as I should have but as much as I was interested in. I’ve experienced so much as I grew up, even in a broken home, I learned what a family should be, which is what I wanted to create with someone. Friends have come and gone. I embrace that I’m alone, as much as it hurts, but it is the case; I am the only one who’s there for me.
This is goodbye to it all, all of the bull that people say, the lies, the fronts, the broken promises, the weak. I’m done with all of that, it’s just not worth having and there are many who accept it but I’m done with it. If I had my way the monster would take over which would be the end but why let that happen? Why let that be my legacy? Instead, just say goodbye to all the bull that has been and stop letting the wrong people screw everything up; if they try, screw them up. Don’t give into the monster but use it. Use the beast inside to make all those who wronged you sorry for it and show everyone that you’re better.
To walk this life
So I was hospitalized about a month ago for attempted suicide. Since coming home I jumped straight back into my usual life of work and school, not giving myself anytime to rest. I realize that not giving myself time to recover isn’t smart physically or emotionally because obviously there is a deeper problem which I’m not addressing. Over the last few weeks, thanks to the advice of one of my nurses, I thought hard about what the issue might be and I think I’ve come to the conclusion. I wrote previously that I felt alone and I believe that’s what my problem is.
When I got back home my phone was blown up with missed calls and texts from people asking how I was doing and if I was alright. At first, I felt cared for but now I don’t feel the same way; now I see it like facebook. On there we have so many friends but we don’t speak to all of them yet every year, on our birthday, we receive so many messages from people we don’t talk to and those we do. After this happens we probably won’t speak to them again until the next year. Those that messaged me only did so because they heard that I was in the hospital but in everyday life we never speak. Communication is a two way street and I’m very forward about wanting to talk to someone but not everyone is the same way back. The only ones I received messages from whom I know truly care were from my family and my coworkers.
Since getting out, once everyone found out why I was in the hospital, I have yet to receive any contact asking as to how I’m doing from any of my so called ‘friends’. Even the one ‘friend’ who put me there hasn’t checked up on me. Because of this realization I feel that my friends aren’t truly my friends but then I read a blog from another user: http://karenwriteshere.com/2014/11/30/you-dont-need-empathy-to-support-a-depressed-person/
Thanks to this person I now see that my friends probably just don’t know what to do and are afraid of what I’ve done and don’t understand. I can’t be entirely mad at them but I still feel abandoned by those that I thought I could count on because I felt that no matter what they had my back. As of right now, I feel very much alone, there is no one that I can hope to just be there for me when I need them and not to say anything comforting or to sympathize but to just be there so I don’t feel alone. The worst feeling in this world, for me, is being surrounded by people but still feeling that you are by yourself; it’s how I feel now.
When I was in high school I was always afraid that I would go through life alone and so far it seems that my fear might come true. Who could be there for a broken person like me? It is my job now to be the best at everything once more, not to be noticed this time but to put myself at the top for me, even if it means doing it all by myself.
Feeling alone
Lately I’ve been sorting through my own thoughts trying to discover things about myself and my condition. What I’ve found so far is that I have very serious contemplation’s which are not pleasant. Spending time alone only makes my thoughts seem louder in my head so I drown them out with music, conversation, or any kind of noise other than silence. I’ve learned that silence and me are not the best of friends at the moment. Time spent alone used to be something I enjoyed but I don’t think that’s going to be true any time soon. Even though I find myself talking to more people than I’m usually known to I still feel alone. After thinking about that, feeling alone, I discovered that those important to me have either not been there for me or have left me (in one way, shape or form). Because of this I’ve always strived to be the best at anything and everything I could so that I would be noticed yet no matter how hard I tried or how good I did I still felt alone. Sometimes I feel like my best is not good enough, usually I just shake it off but I suppose lately I’ve just given up. I don’t care anymore about being the best, or doing good, or connecting with others….I just don’t care anymore. I really just want to give up.
High transition
There is a moment everyday when I transition from one state of high to another, the only time of day when I feel the weight of everything. It is also in this time that I see myself as the broken person that I am and find it difficult to word my thoughts to anyone. Right now is that transition time for me so I feel horrible and have thoughts of death. I’m worried about many things but I worry most about what will happen to me as time goes on. I wonder if I’ll ever been the same again or if I’ll succumb to myself or will I struggle with this for my life? Right now it doesn’t sound so bad to just let go but I’m sure I’ll feel differently in half an hour. With the holidays just around the corner, I wonder if I really care about being home anymore.
On a lighter note, the days have been really nice allowing for day walks with plenty of sun. Oh! and finals seem to be going good, meaning that I feel like I did well but I’m not finished yet. I’ll get about a week off before going back for my next quarter. I still think it’s weird that there is a quarter system for schools but it’s probably just cause I’m used to the semester system. Sure, it takes longer but there is plenty of time to go over everything whereas the quarter system gives you 10 classes to understand an entire concept; definitely not for everyone.
Oh today…..
Yesterday wasn’t so bad, I met some interesting people and was given some compliments which I’m not used to. Today, however, is another story and it began really early. I still wake up at 4AM from panic attacks but now with nightmares to go with. From this morning until now its just been one long day for me and its only halfway over. My mind is rushing with everything that could go wrong making me feel overwhelmed.
Part of me is screaming inside “HELP!!……I don’t think I can do this”
They don’t understand
This is going to be a terrible day! Over the last few days finding something to hold on to so that I can be happy or even crack a smile has been extremely difficult and it lead to some unsafe actions. The days are nice, good weather, nice breeze, good work days but something is missing. There is a time in life where we feel like we are not whole and my entire life I’ve felt like something was missing; for a brief moment in time I thought I was whole.
Could it be that I’ve been broken my entire life? In the back of my mind I’ve always been like this, always had these thoughts, always wished for more. I can’t be the only one in the world to feel like this.
All the people I meet daily think I’m perfectly fine but if they really knew what was going on inside they would run away. I was asked who was the one person in the world I trust to be there for me and after much thought the answer is me. There isn’t anyone in the world I trust to be there for me the way I need them to other than myself, yet I’m not two people. No one understands how I feel or takes the time to learn, they just keep saying “get over it” “stop being stupid”. If I could do those things I would, truly, but I can’t. They don’t understand.
If they could then maybe they would know why every morning I think “this is my last day”. My ‘friend’ even said they would be there to stop me from doing something stupid but of course they did nothing and weren’t there in my darkest time. Today is a terrible reminder and I can tell now that it will be a dark day. I just want someone to talk with who will take the time to listen and understand what it is that is going on with me. Not to judge me or call me stupid or say that I’m being ridiculous. Why am I broken like this?
Can’t focus on my midterm
Today is an extremely difficult day for me as I find it hard to cope with most things, my mind keeps getting in the way of what I should be doing. My midterm is tonight and although I know the material I figured studying would be a good idea just to ensure that my GPA doesn’t suffer. I am upset that it dropped by .1 so I need to keep my grades up, even if I am one of the top in my class.
I’ve talked to a lot of people about what’s going on but I’m not sure if it helps me much since I don’t exactly feel any better. So I decided to go online and read up a bit to maybe seek some additional help and came across this: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I did feel a tad better reading this for some strange reason but I have contemplated many things for some time now and it’s getting more serious. Jobad tells me not to be a dumbass and I know he’s right from everything logical he tells me yet it’s difficult to escape a feeling I don’t have much control over. This is why I spend so much time at work or school, any excuse to leave the house I take it that way I am not alone to do anything stupid. At the end of the day, however, it’s just me, and not sleeping doesn’t help me much. Tonight I think I’ll double my sleeping medication so I knock out, yet the idea makes me nervous as that’s one way to follow through with my thoughts, a few more won’t hurt yet not the way I want to go through with it but maybe less messy.
It’s just very hard to find a reason to be happy lately. I’ve been told reasons and the consequences from following through yet it’s not enough anymore.
My not family
It felt as if progress was being made but today again I had that thought again, I want to die. There are bound to be hiccups with everything and I understand that but I was feeling much better this last week until something was said and it just brought back all these feelings. I still wake up with the same thoughts everyday yet my days seems to get better but at night I still think about the same things still. I still miss….people….. but that life is over. There are days where it’s unbearable to think of them but I miss them so much.
JXMUNOZ 