Letting go

Life will never be the same again.

This year I turned 25, my favorite number, so I told myself that this was going to be my best year and I would do everything I ever said I wanted to do. Shortly after my birthday, everything changed. My fiance left me after 4 years, it’s good we split before getting married because a divorce would be worse. My Doll’s cancer grew more leaving her weaker than I’ve ever seen and now she’s having surgery. My sister is now jobless making me worry for her even though she feels free to do anything she wants. My mom is more stressed than ever which is causing her health to decline ever so slightly. My grandma was sent to the emergency room today but she claims to be just fine.

It’s only been 4 months into my 25th year and it’s turning out to be completely opposite of what I wanted. I’ve done two things that I wanted, skydive and buy a car, but neither of those can make this year feel great. In fact, I worry everyday about my family, my relationship with my ‘friend’ is on the decline and I expect that we will not be part of each others live in 2015 and I will have lost my best friend.

So far, 25 has sucked so much. My friend Romy back home tells me to only allow myself to see the positive so I try to do just that everyday. I see the positives but they don’t change anything, they don’t change how I feel. I see the truth of whats going on and look at it from a realist point of view and I have become cold and heartless, just like my ‘friend’, about everything in life.

October may not be a kind month so I will prepare and expect the worst. I’m very sad at the moment and need a friend.

Different post than what I planned

I had a very different post in mind but after my morning stroll when I got home my roommate Helen asked me why my fiance, her niece, doesn’t come around anymore. At this point, I realized that even though she is blood related to my former fiance no one has told her the truth about what has happened. It was now my job to tell her that her niece loves dance more than she loves me and that the marriage is no longer going to happen because of this. She then mentioned that her sister, my fiance’s mother, had said once that we just needed space to figure things out and to give it time but she didn’t say anything else or what that meant when she told that to Helen. It made me think about all the conversations I’ve had with all the my ex fiance’s relatives and how what has happened could have been seen before.

Every one of her family members had expressed to me how they all believe she is very unprepared for life. Not one of them seemed to believe she had the proper attitude, demeanor, strength, emotional fortitude, drive, and compassion for a family life. I was told countless times how lazy, emotionless, undriven, weak, and stupid she is. I must amend the word stupid to be properly used: when they said stupid they didn’t mean that she is unintelligent, they meant that she makes stupid choices and not smart ones. Her aunts, uncles, family friends, her parents, and even her cousin Mari (whom I only met once) all told me these things about her, I guess as a warning so that I could be prepared in the instance something happen.

Do they pray and hope for a great life for her? Yes. But it seems that there is much more worry and lack of belief in her than confidence. I was too blinded by love for her to see everything that they were telling me.

She want’s to be a fashion designer, that’s a great ambition but she is seriously lacking the drive to pursue it. I’ve met fashion designers that are younger than her who are successful but it’s because their life has been devoted to making that career. My ex fiance is very relaxed in her pursuit which will not lead to a very promising career in a field she claims to be passionate about. Based on this attitude about her career choice, her family may be justified in their lack of confidence in her. I don’t mean to bash on her because I believed in her ability, I still believe, but her attitude about everything does emit a sense of worry that she is not taking anything as seriously as she should if she wishes to be successful.

After telling Helen of our situation, she says, “ok” and leaves. A few moments later she comes back inside and says, “Jast! Love is stupid. Nathalie is stupid. Marriage is stupid. You be happier now.” I’m done waiting and giving our relationship/friendship time. I put so much effort into trying to make things work and she does not put the same work into it so I’m done waiting. It’s time for a new life and new perspective, which I did find but I’ll post that later. It takes 9 months for a person to develop and be born and it’s approximately 9 months until my next birthday, just under, so during this time I am going to withdraw from the world to find myself once more, discover what makes me the person I am and find my beliefs.

Sunday morning worry

Finding out that my Doll is having surgery this week is not the best way to wake up. Although it’s Sunday, I can’t seem to bring myself to speak to God and go to mass. Heck, I would stay home in bed if I didn’t have to work but bills do have to be paid. I hate to think about the thought of something going wrong even though doctors say that the surgery is very safe. Nothing is ever 100% safe and with her feeling so weak I worry that the slightest thing could go wrong and there will be a much bigger reason to feel horrible. This week is going to be a trying one, I need prayers, not for me but for my Doll.

Something In The Place of Love (The Mistake No Christian Should Ever Make)

john pavlovitz

We’ve all experienced the disappointment of Substitution; ordering dinner, shopping for patio furniture, running errands at the grocery store. Lots of times, we need to accept something else in place of what we originally wanted, and even though we may do it begrudgingly and with some complaining, we ultimately accept it.

Most of the time we come to realize, that our second choice yields only a small drop-off in quality. We can live with the unexpected replacement and really be no worse for wear. (Dinner is still great, the blue chairs work just fine, and those other diapers still stop the surprise afternoon flood).

Sometimes though, substitutes won’t do.

There are moments when what you need, is what you need, and anything less isn’t just a loss or an inconvenience, it’s a flat-out tragedy.

The search for Love is this way.

So often, we force people to accept substitution in the…

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Overflow

Imagine a bowl that’s filled with water. Now imagine a cup you would drink from that may not be entirely big and definitely doesn’t hold the same capacity as the bowl. If we take the bowl of water and begin to pour it into the cup there will come a point in time where the cup will overflow with the water. No matter what we do there is no way we can contain the same amount of water in the cup. If we use our hands to give the cup more capacity the water will still find a way to trickle out through the cracks in our fingers. As a result, the water will flow out and not only will we get wet but anyone else around us may get wet also. I have been trying to contain this water from a bowl into a cup and have been unsuccessful which is causing me to get wet and any one nearby. My hands are not strong enough to hold the water and after the overflow my hand may now be broken. A trip to the doctors office might be a good idea to check it out.

Ripping at the seams

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions making it difficult to do any work today. I’ve kept myself composed, however, which allowed me to converse with my coworkers and random customers but inside there is a storm. With everything that’s going on I feel…..I honestly have no words to describe what it is that I feel. I can barely contain myself from ripping at the seams today and all I want to do is have someone to talk to about this. Each time I think to figure out what it is that I feel I get blank thoughts but I can feel myself ripping apart just under the skin. I really need some help today, I need a friend.

My usual methods to keep composed and collected are failing me as the day goes on and by the end of today I know that I will be a mess without some help from a friend to help me keep from falling apart. I can’t seem to handle what’s going on and it’s driving me nuts; it’s frightening.

It’s time to go forward

Still cant sleep but I always said how I don’t like sleep because I feel like there are other things I could be doing instead of sleeping so I suppose I shouldn’t complain, I just wish I didn’t feel tired all of the time so I’m physically experiencing why sleep is important. It’s not that I didn’t understand why it is important for us as human beings, I just always thought we could use the time we sleep doing other things and being more productive. Sleep is important though and right now I finally wish I could get it.

Well, I was productive in my lack of sleep, since it was raining this morning I decided to wash my car while it was raining. Sacramento is having a serious drought so it’s really discouraged to use water other than what is necessary, which includes washing your car. Just the other day I was going to wash mine with a bucket filled with water, which is allowed by law (I checked), and as I was headed to my car a police car drove by and as soon as he saw me he slowed down. With that, I went back inside for a few minute and when I returned I saw him parked just a few houses down. It would be my luck that, even by following the law, he would get out of his cruiser to say something to me and give me a ticket so I ended up not washing my car. Today was a stroke of luck with the rain.

I’ve been talking a bunch with coworkers and friends back home to get a better understanding of what is appropriate now that I’ve been single for two months, well two months in three days. Apparently, every single person has told me that it’s time to move on and find someone new because if there was any hope for my previous relationship then we would have spoken by now about it. As much as I love my ex, I have had enough time alone to see the truth that everyone is telling me. It does suck to know that a relationship that you gave up everything for was not enough for someone and that there are other things that are more important to them, despite the fact that the important things are relatively new where I have been important to this other person for years. I don’t understand that at all but I’m going to trust my coworkers and friends back home and move on with my life. My heart jumps at the idea in a fearful way because I’m practically starting over and I suppose I’m afraid to go through this again, however, if I ever want to have the family I picture in my head I need to do this.

I bought a new car and I’m looking for a new job so sometime next year the plan is to look for a new place; ambitiously, a house I can rent or more ideally own. It is not up to me to decide whom and where I should meet my future wife but I can control other things in my life like my car, my job, and my home which is why I’m looking now so that when I do find this person I can be ready to create a life together.

In the mean time, my artistic mind has begun to take hold again, not in a sorrowful way. What I mean is that music has flavor again, fashion is fascinating once more, drawing and paintings capture me, interior designs are intriguing, and architecture is mesmerizing. Sometimes I question my field of study because engineering doesn’t seem to have quite the same beauty but it can be an art form is someone takes the time. There was this lady I helped at work and she expressed to me that I remind her of her husband because of my eye for beauty in all things and that he is an architect, a field of study I almost chose. She said I have a mind just like him, the mind of an architect.

Random Acts

Something feels different today, I could be delirious from lack of sleep, but I don’t feel upset today. In actuality, I feel a longing for my family, friends, and ‘friend’. Over the last couple of days I have contacted every single person in my phone book to make a connection as well as determine who’s information I don’t need anymore and out of all my contacts I have only made a connection with about 15. Those 15 haven’t been consistent, which is understandable because I know that people have lives and cannot spend all their time talking.

Of those 15 there are 7 I know I can contact at anytime, yet all but one of those are family. I’m not complaining because family is important but I would like for more than just one person to not be family whom I can count on. On the longing for my ‘friend’ thought, I haven’t spoken to them or about them in little while so it’s confusing why I’m missing them because I’m still very much upset with them and at the moment want nothing to do with them for several reasons, but I’m sure it’s because I miss the friendship we used to have. How ever optimistic I am, I see a truth to what may be.

My first ex ever, we had tons of back and forth for years and it was in 2008 that I was finally fed up with everything and said goodbye forever with the intention of never speaking again, not even as friends. Somewhere down the road a few years we had a conversation and have since remained in touch contacting each other once in a while when we need to speak about troubling issues. Just last week, I finally apologized for the rash and mean behavior I had in 2008 when I was fed up and said goodbye. A whole 6 years it took for me to come to a place where I could apologize wholeheartedly and mean it.

My ‘friend’, I see our relationship going in the same direction which is why it is entirely necessary that we not be friends right now because I do still harbor feelings of hate and malice towards you. I will continue to write, however, just to maintain a form of connection and I hope you do the same if you really want to keep the connection yet I understand if you stop writing. I have told you my feelings on our friendship and I know you won’t try to accommodate me into your life so in truth I do not expect to see you for over a year, maybe longer, years. After so many years, I do feel hurt that our relationship means so little to you that others things in your life are so much more important that you chose them over us. In time, I’ll learn to forgive but I can’t right now. I do miss you though.

I want to spread a little joy into some lives so I might try to do something I’ve never done and that is completely random. Either today, or tomorrow, I think I will go buy a dozen roses and randomly hand them out one by one in hopes of making someone smile. A smile goes a long way.

Boring Networking class

My eye appointment was yesterday and I have good news, my eyes are perfectly healthy so I won’t require any kind of prescription. It makes me bummed though because I was hoping that I could get some glasses to hide behind but I guess I’m not lucky enough for that. Now I could buy some fake glasses but then because I don’t need them I’ll feel like just a dumbass prick. They dilated my eyes of course, which last a few hours, meaning I was very uncomfortable driving or even looking at any light so since I was close by work I went there to just relax until my eyes felt better.

Today is one of my harder days since I can’t seem to get out of my own head. Thoughts just keep barraging me all day long of everything that is going on in mine and my family’s lives. I can’t seem to breathe today, not that I can’t breathe, but I mean it feels like I’m in a small enclosed area and everything is tightening around me.

Also, I was thinking about sleep today while I was at work and I can’t remember the last time I slept. More specifically, I can’t remember when the last time was that I intentionally got into bed to fall asleep. It seems that for almost a week now I don’t fall asleep, I pass out and when I come to I’m staring at the wall but fully alert and awake. It’s kind of like I go into a zombified state and I don’t remember anything, I just lose time. The last thing I usually remember before passing out and losing time is reading an article and when I come to I’m still looking at the same article or at the wall. I don’t think I’m sleeping anymore but I’m so deprived of it that I’m not sure what to think. What I do know is that my body is fatigued all of the time now, it’s the reason I didn’t write yesterday, I was so exhausted I didn’t want to do anything, not even write down my thoughts.

Tonight is my boring networking class, which starts in 40 minutes, and I’m dreading it so much. Our course materials are still not available to us online meaning we can’t do the required work, so annoying. I’d sleep during the class if I could manage to.

I’ve been thinking about my outlook on life and my expectations, I still need to write everything down but right now they are just thoughts. Once I do know my entire outlook I’m debating if I should write it here or just keep it in my personal journal. There’s a lot of thoughts that go on in my head that I don’t put here so my outlook may be one of those.

Tired

My nights are long with inability to sleep properly and in some cases I am unable to sleep at all which means I’m awake for more than 24 hours, usually up to 40 hours before I can pass out. I only sleep a few hours, usually about 3 maybe 4, which is not nearly enough to function properly and the lack of sleep begins to stack. Lack of sleep slows down the mind, impairs memory, and causes a person to become easily distracted. Tea hasn’t worked as well as I had hoped, I have yet to buy sleeping medication because I really don’t want to rely on it but I might have to since nothing I’ve tried has worked. Exercise to tire myself out, meditation, prayer, reading, tea, hot bath, candles, etc…..none of it has worked. I’m just so tired, I would like to be able to sleep normally again and feel rested.