High transition

There is a moment everyday when I transition from one state of high to another, the only time of day when I feel the weight of everything. It is also in this time that I see myself as the broken person that I am and find it difficult to word my thoughts to anyone. Right now is that transition time for me so I feel horrible and have thoughts of death. I’m worried about many things but I worry most about what will happen to me as time goes on. I wonder if I’ll ever been the same again or if I’ll succumb to myself or will I struggle with this for my life? Right now it doesn’t sound so bad to just let go but I’m sure I’ll feel differently in half an hour. With the holidays just around the corner, I wonder if I really care about being home anymore.

On a lighter note, the days have been really nice allowing for day walks with plenty of sun. Oh! and finals seem to be going good, meaning that I feel like I did well but I’m not finished yet. I’ll get about a week off before going back for my next quarter. I still think it’s weird that there is a quarter system for schools but it’s probably just cause I’m used to the semester system. Sure, it takes longer but there is plenty of time to go over everything whereas the quarter system gives you 10 classes to understand an entire concept; definitely not for everyone.

I could be doing worse….

This week is going to suck so much because, of course, I have to work thanksgiving and black Friday. It sucks in that I have to deal with ridiculous customers who only care about getting what they want. Other than that though, I can’t complain. I have no one to spend my holidays with anymore so I’ll probably just sit at home playing Xbox when I’m not at work. This is a lonely holiday season for me. Can’t really say that I’m doing any better since getting back home a week ago, in fact I might be doing worse but I would need an outside opinion to tell me that. I haven’t been sober in weeks so my mental clarity isn’t all there.

My work life seems to be my only life now; it’s a good thing I like my job. There is so much potential for a career and I’ve expressed my wishes with my manager and he wants to help me on my next step. It feels as if I have no ties anywhere now, so for me I am free to go anywhere I suppose. My plans for my life may not be my plans anymore.

Oh today…..

Yesterday wasn’t so bad, I met some interesting people and was given some compliments which I’m not used to. Today, however, is another story and it began really early. I still wake up at 4AM from panic attacks but now with nightmares to go with. From this morning until now its just been one long day for me and its only halfway over. My mind is rushing with everything that could go wrong making me feel overwhelmed.

Part of me is screaming inside “HELP!!……I don’t think I can do this”

Don’t let me embarrass myself

Over the last week I’ve discovered many things about myself and in turn bared my all to those who I felt I needed to. There is still one person whom I’ve on my mind whom I feel I need to but can’t. Every time I try, even a little, my mouth shuts and I change the conversation. Although with this person I can’t yet tell them I was able to tell everything to my Doll and I now know what I need to do.

For today though, I’m going to try to be more observant of the people I see and, should I meet someone new, try to learn one thing about them other than there name or what they are doing; something like what there favorite drink is. No particular reason other than to step out of myself as well as maybe have a little fun. I might possibly embarrass myself but when I was a kid I probably did a thousand times but didn’t care so why should I care now? Certainly there are responsibilities that I have and lessons learned from growing into an adult but sometimes I have the heart of a kid; I want to try to embrace that today.

Temple Tuesday or Wednesday?

I’ve never been more rudely awakened than I was by myself. I fell asleep, can you believe that, and was all warm and cozy when during my sleep I began having dreams. For whatever reason I did this I do not know but I woke up suddenly from having punched the wall. To this date it is the most painful way I’ve been awaken.

Today does sound like a good day for a good cup of coffee or Chai tea. If all goes well then tonight I shall go to Temple Coffee in downtown. However, should I not be able to then maybe tomorrow evening…. Perhaps both nights why not.

We all wish

In our lifetimes we wish for many things, some attainable and some down right ridiculous. Some more sincere while others are plain out right selfish. I wish my Doll, and anyone else afflicted by cancer, were cured our that someone finds the cure tomorrow so that they can be healed. My selfish wish though is that I woke up tomorrow with no memory of anything or anyone. At some point, others have wanted a clean slate, a fresh start, and I fall into that group.
Memories can be haunting or they can bring us joy and sometimes both at the same time. I run from mine daily, going that one day I’ll forget and can begin anew. It’s a bit selfish I know but we can all be selfish at times. I try to be as selfless as I can be on a daily basis and try to be as nice as possible but I know I slip up. I wish I could save the world but superheroes only exist in comic books and I’m just a man, ordinary. But my selfish wish is for a new start.

Things we want to know but afraid to ask

There are things we know and things we want to know as we move through life. Sometimes there are things we want to know but afraid to ask about for the fear of hearing something we don’t want to hear. For me, I had that fear but asked to know anyway because it’s important that I keep myself in the loop….my Doll is in extreme condition now. I spoke with my mother earlier today to find out about home but dreaded asking her the question, “how is Doll?”

As it turns out her days are now no longer manageable with medication, even the stronger doses, and the cancer has taken a different form now attacking her skin with burning patches. It doesn’t help to know that she underwent chemo once more and nearly died yet again to an allergic reaction because of it. I don’t know how she does it but everyday she tells me she’s fine and she somehow manages to put on a brave face with her wonderful smile. She is remarkable! I do the only thing I know I can do and that’s tell her I love her and maybe send a picture to show her my silly face.

Should I go or sell?

I’ve received an email stating the the concert tickets I bought months ago have been sent out and should arrive shortly. What I’ve been thinking about since I got the email is “what am I going to do with them? Sell them? Go to the concert?” Well I definitely won’t be able to sell them for what I paid and I could go but I have two tickets and no person to go with so this is my dilemma at the moment. I’m more inclined to go and just find a date for the day for a few reasons: (1) I already have the tickets and the day off. (2) It would be nice to just have a day away. (3) I would like to have a new memory to replace the one I have now of the last time I went to see the band. (4) A road trip with good music and conversation sounds wonderful.

Tomorrow can’t get here fast enough! I’m very anxious for Thursday to get here that way I can try to find another way to get to sleep. I really haven’t been able to get much rest lately and have tried multiple things yet no such luck comes my way, yet tomorrow we’ll see if I can finally get rest; I’m very tired.

My cousin has been struggling with math so I always pester her about it and tell her to keep studying. Well, today she sent me a picture of her test and I’m very proud to see that the studying is paying off since she passed her test with a 100%. I’m very proud!

Practice smiling

There are lots of times when I need to remind myself to breathe, not to catch a moment to myself and calm down but to physically breathe. I’ve been finding myself holding my breath lately but I’m not sure why, I’m not actively doing so.

Living like this is difficult because I feel that after this long everyone expects me to get over how I’m feeling, that I’m just sad because of my failed engagement but it’s time to move on, however, it’s more than that. It’s not something I can explain or even hope that my friends and family understand, it’s part of me, who I am. Honestly, it feels like at this point everyone is tired of listening to me so I am beginning to hold it all in again, I’m reaching out less and less; I’m just showing the smile, pretending. The ridiculous part is that the thought of this, the expectation that I should just “get over it”, makes me a little sad. I’m very tired of pretending but it seems that it’s what I need to do.

To keep busy I’ve been very active in learning new languages and I’m getting decent at ASL but I couldn’t do it without a new friend, Rem, who is pursuing a career as an interpreter. Someone must have told him I was learning and we have been exchanging conversations, well more like I ask and he tells me, then practice. The conversations are always interesting because Rem is so all over the place, never a dull moment.

Holiday job? Maybe…

Some days we wake up just feeling a certain way and the day is set, unless something big happens to change our mood. I’ve woken up feeling like this day could be the last for a long time but for that reason I text every person in my phone book to see how their days are. My family had a football party yesterday and sent me a picture of everyone, well everyone except my sister but there’s a few reasons I know why should would be there. I miss them but have no desire to return home nor do I have any attachment to any place and I’ve realized that I’m willing to go anywhere with the right opportunity.

So another topic, I’ve found out, thanks to my new band, that I’m getting just over 4 hours of sleep a night but I wake up periodically throughout the night. As if my constant panic attacks didn’t tell me that but it’s nice to actually see that the band is tracking that information. However, it’s rather strange that I wake up with random injuries every so often; a burn here, a bruise there, sprained ankle, what appears to be a stab wound. And it’s not because I go out drinking and black out, almost all of my nights are spent at home playing Xbox before going to “sleep”.

Recently I’ve been contacted to have an interview with another tech company that is fairly close to where I live. Depending on how it goes I may just take the part time position since I’m not fully excited about it and taking the full time position would seem unfair to have if there is someone out there who wants it more; besides, I just need something to fill my open time gaps.

My cousins remind me that I need to be more that what I appear to be and thanks to many things that have been happening in my life and what I’ve been told I lack there is now a word to remind me to be more. Today that word is most prevalent in my mind just because this is a harder day for me.