Everyday I trick myself into believing that life is fine and dandy but it’s a lie. In the morning I drag myself out of bed, literally crawl from under the sheets forcing myself to face the day but all I want to do is remain under the covers in the dark. I will take every minute possible to remain there until it is absolutely necessary to face the world. The moment I get up my mind begins racing as it does with all the possibilities I can fathom for the day ahead and not just with my life but with all the people I know and knew; I wonder what is in store for them. Often times, I imagine everyone doing way better off while I’m here, doing better than I was, yet unsatisfied with life. I get excited from little things like anyone else so I feel normal for a moment but it’s short lived which leaves me feeling empty because I think that if I was only excited for a moment then was I truly excited or was I pretending.
What do I want? This is the question I constantly swirl around in my mind, that amongst other thoughts; I don’t know anymore. Actually, what I want is to not be here anymore, to cease existing, perish, disappear….I don’t want to continue feeling like an emotionless vessel anymore…….I want to feel and so far no amount of pain or drugs can help me do that. Every morning, I take a look at this bottle and wonder, “is today the day I’m going to feel anything?” Knowing things aren’t going to change I open it up anyway so I can start my day in, hopefully, a better place. This better place, I’m not sure if I ever get there but I know when everything is taking effect so the world seems different, not necessarily better just different. At the moment though, I’m completely sober and it is the worst because I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I barely went to say hi to my friend but I did because I was close by, like walking distance close, and I know that I should get out. It was nice to chat for a moment but the whole time I was panicking and anxious to get home to hide in my bed which made me feel bad for feeling that way rather than wanting to stay longer and chat.
JXMUNOZ 