Can you trust someone entirely?

Within the last week I was given another lesson in the trust department, basically that even though you can be good friends with someone that doesn’t mean trust them with everything. So Mars recently got back with her ex, which would be fine if the reason was good but I feel that it’s not. From what I was told, the reason is that he lets her stay at his place since they lived together so it makes sense but she doesn’t love him the way he loves her. This upset me because it’s such a stupid reason so I told her that and I needed time to process, which means I need to walk away before calling her an idiot. Now she’s all mad since I haven’t said anything to her since but I’m over it so if we don’t talk its cause she wants to continue being a child about the whole thing.

With the whole trust thing though, I talked to her with no barriers because I instilled a fair amount of trust with her because we connected on an emotional level. I wanted to keep it that way, not pursuing any further relationship type other than friends and I told her this but I suppose she has it in her head that there’s more going on. It was very nice to have that person there with whom I could speak to about anything while not having to worry about what you might say because no matter what you say they would understand or wouldn’t judge.

I’m left with the thought that maybe there isn’t any individual that you should trust entirely but instead split yourself between several. One day, I found out I’ve been doing that subconsciously when I noticed that I would tell one friend about something that was bothering me and another something else but neither knew everything. It’s like a puzzle, to know everything about me, without asking me directly, one needs to ask several individuals and piece together the information but even then there is some information missing. Is it possible to have a connection with another person where you can be yourself entirely? My entire life has lead me to believe that the answer is “no” yet I must have some optimism left if I keep hoping which makes me feel foolish. I’m entirely skeptical about it though and mind everything I say or do around people, even when I drink I’m mindful. Just the other night I was drinking with my friend and his girlfriend but throughout the whole night I can recall that I was very careful of what I said. We had a good night though filled with laughs.

The eggshell cracks

I almost didn’t want to write today because I’ve finally hit the breaking point and last night I cracked. I was able to hold everything in for almost two weeks but I finally couldn’t take it anymore. To my ‘friend’, she thinks our break happened on Friday the 15th but it all truly began on the 10th, the night we decided to take time apart. That, in combination with my aunts cancer, plus the additives of what’s going on back home in Texas, has a finally just become too much so I cracked.

The upside is my aunts test results came back, and although she has large amounts of cancer deposits, she is stable, for now. That makes me very happy to hear. She can finally get a little time to rest. I told her a funny story that happened to me a few months ago to hopefully get her to laugh, which she did. I figure what I can do for her is to show her I’m ok and try hard to make her smile, its about all I can do.

Eating food still makes me feel sick but in order to maintain a healthy body I have to force even a little bit of food into my system. I really don’t like eating at the moment, one bite of anything and I’m finished with eating for a while. However, I’ve been walking a lot so I need to keep my energy levels high enough to maintain my body, especially if I’m to go dancing more. I need a partner and I may have found someone to go with but I need to ask first. Now, I’m not interested in them from a dating point of view but I’d much rather go with someone than by myself but I’ll need to make that clear when I ask.

I’ve already started doing things for myself, like I volunteered for a race coming up and there are these charity events that I want to get involved with and this morning I saw something about s extreme couponing and I thought if I could understand how that works then I could do the same thing but instead of keeping all the food for myself I would donate all of it to the local shelters. I mean, I don’t want to eat anyway but I know there are a ton of hungry people out there. I just need to find out how people do it because they make it seem like a job so I know I wont get it overnight but I want to try.

During my walk last night I cracked, yes, but I found out that through all of the anger and misery, I’m sad; I would like someone to be there for me. This morning, I knew that I may be destined to be alone for the rest of my life, and it’s because I expect so much from my relationships that I’m not happy when that expectation isn’t met. I have to do a better job of being understanding and accepting, however, if the case is that I be alone then I have to do whatever I want for me. I’m not okay with being alone, but I’ll endure as long as I can help others and make people smile.

Waiting game

I just got my ring back, it’s officially over and I’m sad but I’m sadder about not being able to hear from her for a while because she is my best friend. There is just too much going on in my head at the moment for me to form a complete thought to put on here but I felt I needed to write. The day she contacts me again will be so joyous because that’s the day we can begin to rebuild our friendship. Throughout this whole ordeal I learned that I need to take to heart the relationships of everyone I meet on a daily basis because if I don’t then I’m depriving myself of something that may or may not be important with someone who may or may not be important. 

It may be a few days before I write again but shall I have a thought I’ll try to write it down here so I can clear out my mind. I’ll pray to God everyday to find peace. Goodnight.