Friendship is difficult as we get older

I’ve been neglecting my posts for a myriad of reasons but two more than anything, I’m nervous to post because I’m not sure what thoughts would be appropriate and which wouldn’t which leads me to let other miniscule things get in the way when I clearly have the time to write. Nothing has gotten easier in the past few weeks, in fact, they have gotten more stressful but the difference is I tolerate more now, I don’t sugar coat anything and speak my mind up to the brink of getting myself in trouble. The reason I’m writing though is because I’ve been irritated so much that I need to vent.

A little while ago I made a friend who seemed like a fun person and has odd quirks so it came upon me to pursue a friendship with them. We talked and joked for a while before they asked if I wanted to hangout one evening. I was going to have the night off so I agreed to get out from my shell only to have them bail on me. Normally I would have been annoyed by this but I didn’t know them that well and I was partly relieved because it meant I could stay home not worrying about any social obligations. Well, in the time since we’ve talked and I’ve invited them to hang out only to have them bail again. Just the other day they were explaining how tired they were from going out which was the trigger that made me irritated. After repeated attempts of trying to hang out, being bailed on, and then hearing this…..I felt annoyed at this person.

We may not know each other well or be very close but if we make plans I would expect that we follow through. There’s a bunch of people who are like this and I’ve never had a real friendship with them but I did try to be a friend. I would continue to try to be a friend until I’m left feeling like you don’t want to be and at that point, like now, I will just stop trying to put forth the effort. What boggles me is why people are like this, why they make it seem like they are your buddy yet leave you high and dry so to speak when you express interest in the same. As a kid if you wanted to be friends with someone you simply asked and that was it but its so complicated now days, people are weary to trust others so when there is someone being genuine they have to fight for something simple as friendship.

The struggle to stay a caring person is growing

It’s 2 AM and even with sleeping medication, prescribed medication, I can’t sleep. Although I always said I dislike sleeping I am seriously tired of not being able to get the 5 hours of sleep I use to. Yea, it might only have been 5 hours but I could map out my sleeping cycles and plan accordingly but now I barely get 4 and I fall asleep at random times at night. There are times I can sleep like normal but others I knock out early yet wake up early while other times I knock out late. Yesterday, I finally got to sleep at 4 AM but woke up not to long after.

The other day in class the teacher asked the class to open a word document and write 25 things we are thankful for. I opened the document and stared at the screen for a few minutes before I realized there wasn’t a single thing I could sincerely say I was thankful for. Of course I could have said all the things people say, like my job or house or car but those are so typical I would never say those things, plus I really didn’t care. After 10 minutes, he decided to go around the room and have us each say at least one thing we wrote down so I began scrambling trying to find at least one thing but I couldn’t. When he got to me I just said “my bed” not knowing what else to say.

For the rest of class I paid no attention whatsoever, instead staring off into space thinking of how I couldn’t find one thing I’m thankful for, not one. I thought about my family but I wasn’t thankful for them, in fact, I thought how I wish I could just disappear and never hear from them again; I want to become a ghost. How screwed up must I be to think this way?

I’ve never been this way before, never have I wanted so badly to disappear and become everything I dislike. When people say I just need God I want to punch them and then beat them. I followed God and ended up where I am being how I am because of it.

Over and over I keep rewriting this because what I want to write is inappropriate but there so many thoughts running in my head, only Mars knows but even so I fear telling her some things even though she knows the worst. Surprisingly, even though she knows the worst of me she only sees the best, I don’t understand. Something has changed though, psychologically and physically. Psychologically, I seem to care less about others and started seeing people as objects. Physically, my multicolored eyes have begun to show a more prominent golden inner iris.

I am glad that Mars hasn’t been scared away but then again, she is just as insane as myself, well I might be further gone than she is but she understands. There is a small part of me trying to stay the same so that I can be there for her when she needs but she’s the only one I actually try to be normal for. I try because she is there for me and I want to care the way she seems to. Anyone else and I might help them out because I understand how it would benefit them if I did but I really don’t care about helping them out or even after when they thank me. I feel they should know that it was beneficial for them and that if I should ask for a favor in return then I would expect their help. There really is no emotion between me and others even though I seem to be very enthusiastic all the time; it really just is an act.

My world is distorted

It’s been like looking through shattered glass lately, able to see whats on the other side but things are a bit distorted. They aren’t distorted in a way that I can’t see what it is but in such a way that I feel differently about it.

Trying to be merry is a near impossible task this day, I say this day because I usually find some reason to smile, even for a little while. Today, the only reason I smiled was to fake my feelings and seem friendly at work while deep down I wanted to punch every person in the face. I even imagined how it would go, I would punch them in the face and snicker yet should they retaliate a far more insidious plot against them would begin.

All day long, it was my desire to fix all the broken that was in sight, which was most things even if, by definition of the term “working” I wanted to make better. Solitude was my desire today but it would not be so. I want one thing, to escape from myself, escape from me, the me who relishes fear. It feels as if that pleasure in fear is overwhelming; the desire for destruction is more prevalent as the days pass.

I discovered that I am a twin of the very person I look to above all. By that I mean I emit the same qualities they emit but deep down, under the surface we also have the same mindset. They also committed several attempts at the end and even have malicious thoughts of other individuals from time to time. As we have spoken they have revealed to me how twisted they are and related to me in a way no other individual will ever. They are only person who gets me 100%; They know me through and through so when they leave this world there will be no one who understands me the way they do.

Each day that passes I feel a little part of myself die off and a new part reborn. I feel like I’m waiting for the real me to come out, I’m waiting to die so I can live. That day may be close at hand as the only one who understands me may not be around after this year and it is then I fear I may come about as myself, not the person everyone sees and meets but the one who I hide. The one who takes pleasure in the fact that my own blood is spilled, I watch it daily trickle from my skin.

The beast inside

This was intended to be the best year of my life, I was going to make it so by doing everything I wanted to but life doesn’t turn out the way you want when you think you’re on top of the world. There is something that is thrown your way to mess up your plans and sometimes the obstacle is no big deal, it doesn’t ruin your plan too much but other times it completely takes you off your path. For 25 years I’ve learned as much as I could with my wondering mind, probably not as much as I should have but as much as I was interested in. I’ve experienced so much as I grew up, even in a broken home, I learned what a family should be, which is what I wanted to create with someone. Friends have come and gone. I embrace that I’m alone, as much as it hurts, but it is the case; I am the only one who’s there for me.

This is goodbye to it all, all of the bull that people say, the lies, the fronts, the broken promises, the weak. I’m done with all of that, it’s just not worth having and there are many who accept it but I’m done with it. If I had my way the monster would take over which would be the end but why let that happen? Why let that be my legacy? Instead, just say goodbye to all the bull that has been and stop letting the wrong people screw everything up; if they try, screw them up. Don’t give into the monster but use it. Use the beast inside to make all those who wronged you sorry for it and show everyone that you’re better.

It’s a nice surprise to meet someone just as crazy as yourself

After a grueling night of no sleep thanks to a certain person I got out of bed at 5 AM to drive to work with the expectation that there will be more people shopping than I felt I could handle in my sleep deprived state. As I did my daily duty, I kept thinking of how much I loathe this person for being so cruel over the last few months and for ruining my life as well as ruining my slumber. I must have had four cups of coffee throughout my entire day, not the small cups either, I had four of the large cups. Once I finished my shift, I shopped with my pal Rem for shoes and other items when he found a jacket that he flipped his lid over so, of course, he bought it but it was pretty cool. We shopped until 8 PM when my other friend, Mars, got off work and then we all decided to go home after some time to wind down.

Mars offered to drive me to my car which gave us time to talk to open up a little more; we’ve known each other for about 2 weeks. They made a few jokes and asked some serious questions which I asked right back but we got to my car and sat there talking. For the next two hours, we spoke about our lives, what was going on, what we were thinking, our past experiences, and our future hopes. Over the last two weeks we’ve gotten a bit close but this time we really pulled back the layers from each other to reveal the deepest parts of ourselves.

I was hesitant to freely speak my mind, reveal the deepest part of myself out of fear that it would frighten Mars away leaving me less one friend. She bared part of herself so I embraced the possible outcomes and warned her that what I was going to say might scare her. I began to reveal the part of myself that I’ve never shown anyone, the part I keep hidden, the me that I fight daily. Of course, I started slowly, showing just a little but as Mars listened I could see that I hadn’t yet scared her off so I revealed a bit more and more and soon I had told her everything. Mars is the only person on this world who knows the part of me I keep hidden and when I finished she just looked at me and, to my shock, told me how what I said was a turn on but that she understood. As it turns out, Mars is a little like me, a little crazy and not in an “I’m losing my mind” kind of way but in a Joker kind of way.

What was the last four years for?

Last year I was surrounded by people I called family and this year not one of them has said anything to me. This is my first holiday season alone and it has instilled in me a thought, a thought that I’m always going to be alone and that in itself is freeing. I am able to do anything I ever wanted with no obligation to anyone on this earth and with no worry as to who it offends. Yet, even in that thought, learning of my aunts soon to be demise, I’ve also decided that when she goes I will go with her. She is the brightest light I’ve ever seen so with her gone the world will seem so dark. I use to smile randomly because I use to see a little girl smiling, my little girl, my future daughter. For the last few months I haven’t seen her, instead I see nothing but a bleak future, actually I don’t even see that, I don’t see anything, no future.

Reckless

Driving home, after so many times going the same route, has become habit so I find myself drifting in thought fairly often. On my way home today, I was completely deep in thought about my car and driving….off a bridge or into a wall whichever seemed more available. Both scenarios I imagined at different times based on where I was. I’ve also found myself speeding quite frequently, the other day I topped my car out at 105; I’m just being reckless.

The torment doesn’t stop

I’ve been afraid to post anything these last few days because I’m afraid of my own thoughts, but also afraid of what other people would think about me if I were to tell them to anyone or even post them here. Thinking back to my days spent in the hospital, I recall telling my doctor majority of what they wanted to know but there was still part of me that was reserved in thought, which I’m sure they picked up on. Some people are better than others at reading others and my buddy John is one of those perceptive individuals. We had lunch the other day and he told me that he can see that I seem to have more energy and more joyous than before but he also asked if I was ok. He said that not only could he see me being happy but he could see how tormented I am on the inside. Admittedly, I am not doing any better, I just seem like it to everyone but I believe that’s because of the drugs, they make me different but my mind is still on the rampage. I’ve been taking so many risks for the last month and each time I think of the worst possible outcome and imagine that reality.

The dreams, the panic attacks, the stress, the worry….I don’t know what I’m holding onto anymore. I keep looking for something but I feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark, I keep knocking into things and reaching for something.

This last week I made a friend and we’re supposed to hang out tomorrow yet I have no idea what we’re going to do so it’ll probably be lunch and maybe something after. It’s odd, we saw each other all the time but never spoke so I said “hi” one day. We began talking a little and she said lets do something Thursday and since I am off why not. Then John wants to do something so I think my Thursday will be plenty busy.

Not sure I’m who I am

Have you ever been so upset with someone, so angry at them that you hate them? Not just saying you hate them because you are mad at them but you hate them in that the thought of them lights a fire under you, consumes you, changes who you are. Before, I thought I knew what it meant to hate someone but that was until recently. I am consumed by a hate for this person so much that I take a look at myself and do not see who I think I am. It makes me feel like I’m two different people, the nice and kind person everyone perceives me to be but also the complete opposite. Rather than fighting with myself though, it feels like I’m acting as the nice person when in truth I’m not that guy, maybe I never was. When I first shaved my head my sister made a remark calling me Lex Luthor, perhaps she was right.

Struggle

This particular day seems to have dragged on with the worst of feelings as if the day itself was in a bad mood. Despite my best efforts to smile and be happy I could feel a constant dread. All day I just wanted to get home so I could lay in bed to try and sleep. It would have been nice to speak with someone yet I know now that I’m unable to rely on my friends. So now, being at home, I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror wondering if continuing is worth it; in the back of my mind I know it is but the constant feeling of sadness is so bothersome. I won’t lie that those thoughts have been on my mind again making me feel like I’m walking on a very thin line with the possibility of falling at any moment. I’m struggling.