Losing time, not fun

Lately I’ve been loosing time from my daily life, well I guess you could say I’ve been blacking out. Such was the case not 10 minutes ago before writing. My morning went like this: woke up and went to get breakfast with the roomy and his girlfriend. We laughed, took pictures, delighted in the magnificent food and came back home. I sat down on the couch for a minute to check my mail on my computer and the next thing I know it’s 2:00 and I’m in different clothes and playing a game. It was 10:45 ish when I sat down so I lost a few hours of mine. My roomy had left but he said that I was asleep when he did yet I have these flash backs to things happening, like I am remembering a bad dream or something. The whole thing bugs me a little because I don’t remember falling asleep and I don’t feel tired one bit and the flash backs are too real to me. On top of just today’s instance I’ve been finding random drawings in my notebooks, one’s I don’t remember doing yet no one else has access to my notebooks. I accept that I have two sides to my coin but part of me worries that both sides are fighting for my consciousness, not a whole lot of worry but just enough to keep me mindful of myself.

Not sure I’m who I am

Have you ever been so upset with someone, so angry at them that you hate them? Not just saying you hate them because you are mad at them but you hate them in that the thought of them lights a fire under you, consumes you, changes who you are. Before, I thought I knew what it meant to hate someone but that was until recently. I am consumed by a hate for this person so much that I take a look at myself and do not see who I think I am. It makes me feel like I’m two different people, the nice and kind person everyone perceives me to be but also the complete opposite. Rather than fighting with myself though, it feels like I’m acting as the nice person when in truth I’m not that guy, maybe I never was. When I first shaved my head my sister made a remark calling me Lex Luthor, perhaps she was right.